Entry #32- False Hope and Fake People

Hey.

Yeah.

Wow.

I’m so confused.

Like I am in a bunch of pain right now. I can’t even write my novel (the one I was writing about the girl getting the scholarship etc.) I can’t.

Not emotional pain btw.

I just got my braces tightened and it fucking hurts. It feels like my mouth has just died inside of me. No seriously.

I’m just sitting here listening to Ultraviolence by Lana Del Rey, and the Disk is so colourful it makes me feel kind of whole in a way. I don’t know.

Apart from my teeth, gums and jaw in serious pain- I am quite confused.

I’m confused at everything that’s happening, it feels like everything’s changing but it also feels like every day is the same. It’s too complicated to explain.

I’m stuck in this constant replay and nothing is getting better.

I don’t know what the hell is going on with my parents, and I’m trying to stay out of it but they keep including me in it and I really just don’t want to be included in it. I just want to stay out of it.

I’m lonely.

I know I sound like some love struck teenager longing for some attention/company with nights so long ‘she has to fake the smile.’

Ew.

No.

I hate those fucking people.

Fucking annoying attention whores.

I just really am lonely and I wish I wouldn’t feel so lonely, because maybe I could go out without feeling like I’m going to get bored.

Maybe I could not feel like an idiot every second of my existence.

Maybe I wouldn’t need to say ‘SHUT UP’ in my head every time I think about something I’ve said, something I’ve done, or to just think about the future.

I’m so worried and scared and depressed and it has just become me.

It’s not just ‘getting depressed sometimes’ it’s become me. It is the core of me. Every bone in my body. It has become me.

I want to say that things have changed, that I’ve changed, that I’ve become a better person- that I’ve stopped repeating myself over and over again. That I’m not the same person I used to be.

But I still am.

I still like her, and I hate how I have to lie about it.

Because the truth is it’s NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. And I swear I whisper it every day, EVERY FUCKING DAY- that yes- she’s straight or bisexual or whatever – it can’t happen. 

I am the person that blends in, I am that person. I am not interesting. I am not some girl who fucking goes home and cries, I’ve always done that, before it became some stupid trend to be depressed or whatever.

I am different and I hate it.

I am not popular.

She is.

It’s fucking stupid- social statuses really, but it’s true someone like her can’t be with someone like me- how can she ever notice me if I never do anything about it.

This is life, people don’t notice you when you are insecure, being insecure isn’t ‘quirky’ or ‘cool’ it fucking sucks, because no one wants to be with someone insecure.

I can’t even control my own secret.

Apparently my mum’s told a lot of my family that I’m gay ages ago.

I have no say in my own fucking sexual orientation.

MY. SEXUAL. ORIENTATION.

I am so angry I can’t even control it anymore. I hate being angry. It sucks so much. It sucks it sucks it sucks!

She’s never going to like me.

And everyone fucking tells me that- AS IF I DONT FUCKING KNOW.

But I can’t just get over her.

It’s the most difficult thing to do. Just ‘get over’ someone. I can’t.

My problems are stupid and minor and miniscule but they’re my problems. MY. PROBLEMS.

And I just want to be with someone, I want to be good with someone, I want to be in a relationship with a girl. I want to feel that. I want to feel loved.

Am I asking for too much?

Do I have enough and I’m just being selfish and spoilt?

Is it too much to ask for? Because everyone seems to have someone in mind and I just can’t seem to do anything.

I can’t not feel bad.

I can’t not feel depressed.

I have tried everything.

Going out, looking for happiness within myself, not being negative, accept compliments, write, read, sing, dance, act, not look at depressing things, stay away from depressing people but that’s the problem- it never works – none of it. It’s not people around me. It’s me.

I am the problem.

I am what’s wrong.

And this is what I want to say.

To my mum, to my family, to my friends, not for pity- so they can understand because I can’t explain it, because I just can’t seem to say the right words, and I can barely right because it hurts.

It really fucking hurts.

Writing. Writing it does nothing though.

I’m typing my ass away on a website that no one sees and no one is going to see.
What does it matter?

What does anything I do matter?

When does it ever matter?

I am just a human being among all the rest, the 7 billion people on this planet. People around me are going through the same things and worse.

So, why should I be the one who gets help?

What’s so hard with my life that I can’t seem to pull myself together?

To not ‘get over it’ or to not ‘get over her’

The truth is, you are an island.

That’s the thing, eventually people are going to get tired of you, they’ll say they’re there for you and that they are here to talk to, but when they realize the chronic pain, and the constant never ending problems and whining all you are to them is a burden, and then the best thing is to shut up.

And not care.

Because they don’t. No one wants to hear depressing things. Not really.

It’s so true and when you realize that things are just so unreal it’s scary. It’s so scary because no one is really ever there.

Not until you find that right person.And who knows how long that will take?

It’s worth the wait.

That is what I keep on saying in my head.

That’s the one thing that isn’t keeping me from killing myself.

No exaggeration, no forced empathy. It’s the truth.

I just can’t keep on doing this, I can’t keep on going through the same things, I can’t accept myself and the way I am, I can’t keep on living a life that doesn’t seem to be well fit for me.

I can’t do this.

Honestly.

I can’t.

The only thing I do is fuck up.

The only thing I do is lie.

The only thing I do is be me.

And I hate me.

So much that I can’t even bare to look at it.

I can’t look at me. Or anything that represents me. I just can’t.

Why would she ever like me?

She has a boyfriend, she’s happy with him- and I’m just the girl she doesn’t know, that she doesn’t even acknowledge, and that’s not her fault. Not once have I ever made myself apparent.

She’s happy. And if I was in that situation I would hate the person that ruined that.
I am not going to be that person.

Seeing stories and tales and movies of all this bullshit of how things end up don’t work.
They just give you some type of hope that doesn’t exist. Really. That’s it. It’s fake hope. 

And that’s the worst thing ever, because these things just don’t happen. This is life, and life is a son of a bitch and we all know that, and life is fair- because it’s unfair to everybody, at the end of the day you fuck it up.

You fuck things up.

Not life.

Life is just something that’s given to you.

What you do with it, is ultimately your choice.

And this is mine.

Depressed,stupid,cliche,silly,naive,idiotic,anxious fucking me.

I have made myself this person, and now I have got to deal with the consequences.

Entry #31–What now?

Hi again.

So I took a couple of months break because I needed to focus on my exams.

Which I ended up doing shit in anyway.

Now it’s summer and it hasn’t been the worst.

I am going out.

Lots of clubbing.

Like yesterday.

Guess who I saw?

SAMMY.

AND HER BOYFRIEND WASN’T WITH HER.

They’re still going out, so it’s pointless.

I danced with two guys (she did look at me once, lol like she cared though) and when this third guy tried to kiss me I had to tell him I was gay and he said ‘Even Better.’

I obviously ran to the bathroom to escape this strange dude. God knows what he would have tried to do. I’m too sexy to resist.

#sarcasm

Did I just use a ‘#’?

Oh Jesus.

I’ve been pretty good though, I only have a couple of drinks and I’m always sober and taking care of my friends who do not have the amount of will power I have.

I still like Sammy, but since I don’t see her as much since we don’t have school it’s less painful. Everything is still the same. The only difference is I think I’ve gotten worse. The way I see it at least.

I’ve started buying packets of cigarettes and I’m smoking around one a day, but mind you – I’d probably smoke way more if I didn’t need to be so cautious about the smell of the smoke.

Recently I’ve also gotten to the point where I really just want to cut myself. I just want to do it. To fill up the emptiness inside and I know it sounds stupid but I just feel like I need to.

I don’t even want to talk about that.

I want to get better.

I’m going to a psychologist now.

I hate it but I guess I should go.

I just feel like shit all the time and I wish I didn’t.

My parents are actually getting split and I don’t even know.

I’m so confused that I just want to not remember things. Just to forget.

It isn’t ever that easy.

Entry #30- Oh Jesus

Oh my god. I think I can officially say I’m a fucking idiot.

 

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday – didn’t feel like.

 

Anyway back to my OMG moment.

 

What have I done?

 

AH.

 

I was looking up ways to get high, because – I don’t even know and I ended up taking 4 different types of pills, in all I took 13 people, and it barely gave me a kick although I was acting really goofy on skype so I guess I was a little high but now I’m so fucking tired and I drank a beer and I don’t even know.

 

Jesus.

 

Like.

 

Wow.

 

I need to go to a psychologist.

 

And get anti – depressants

 

Because I’m so fucked up.

 

So – so fucked up.

 

I can’t even begin to explain.  How fucked up I am.

 

Normal people go smoke week.

 

No wait normal people don’t get high.

 

But still.

 

Jesus, I’m an idiot.

 

And I want to do it again.

 

God I am such an idiot.

 

I need help.

 

Like seriously they is something horribly wrong with me and if I don’t find out what, I might end up doing something really stupid.

 

I’m just getting so tired of my life honestly, It’s so tiring, and so exhausting and so shitty even trying to be good for someone, to be good for my friends, my family – I just want to give up. Willow in my own shitiness because that’s all I am. Shit.

 

I just want to be gone.

 

I’m in a low state right now so excuse my depressiveness.

 

No matter how many fucking times I try to explain to my mum that I FEEL LIKE THIS AND IT’S NOT FUCKING BLOODY SHODDY HORMONES, she ignores me.

 

She doesn’t realise and I love her more than anything but I NEED HELP. I don’t want it, but I need it. I need so many things and maybe some of them I just want – BUT I NEED SOME THING AND THIS IS IT. JESUS.

 

I’m not proving a point by taking the pills – I don’t know why I did it, but nothing I do is some kind of cry for attention. I don’t do it that way. Anything but that really. But it sucks , It all really sucks.

 

I’m constantly liking people who will never like me back.

 

I’m so pathetic; we had casual day – and I wore my Nirvana top (I LOVE THAT BAND TO BITS) just for that girl Sammy, so she’d notice me. Because she likes them too.

 

She stared at me a couple of times but didn’t say anything. What the fuck was I expecting? So why did I get so pissed off at her? Maybe because I realised how out of my league she was, how It just wasn’t meant for me. How I should just stop liking people. JUST STOP. BECAUSE THEY AREN’T GOING TO LIKE YOU BACK.

 

Not till you start liking yourself I guess.

 

But I don’t/can’t understand why this happens. I just want to be better, but at the same time I don’t. I can’t understand, and it’s all so complex and confusing and my mind is blowing up into a million pieces waiting for someone to pick up the pieces but the only person who can do that is me. And I just try and try but it’s pointless. I am useless and a waste of space.

 

I feel that way.

 

I just can’t deal with knowing how long I have to wait for love to come along.

 

For that type of mutual love I share with someone. FOR A GIRLFRIEND, and I might be naive but it’s killing me inside thinking that no one will ever love me, and it’s not the biggest of my problems but as being gay it hurts more because of the possibilities of that shit happening at my age – clearly it doesn’t.

 

Sammy may be ‘bisexual’ (she might be doing it for attention, idk) but she has a boyfriend, and I have a nothing, and there’s no way in hell she’s even going to notice me. Even if she wasn’t dating him, why the fuck would she notice me, she hates one of my friends, we are literally from different social worlds.

 

It’s stupid I know. But this is how life works now. This is what bullshit society does.

 

You make it all insane.

 

Then it just leaves you to it’s own aftermaths and whilst you’re working it out, something big comes crashing in, and you’re back to square 1.

 

I’m back to square 1.

 

Never ending fucking cycle.

 

I can’t do this anymore, I’m so tired, of wishing for the same useless, hopeless things. I just want it to be simple.

 

So does everyone else – I know. But I just can’t wait anymore.

 

I’m still going to, though. What other option do I have?

 

I don’t know.

 

Bye

Entry #29– Annoyance to the Max

Hi.

I’m in a bad mood.

I feel uncompleted.

I don’t even know.

I’m going to try and expand on my post earlier.

I was talking about her and really it’s quite complicated. There’s something about her that just kind of draws me in, I don’t know what it is, it’s not because she’s bisexual or anything it’s just her I guess.

But with being gay comes the horrible disadvantage of the like of someone liking you back is basically 0.11111111%, especially with some people who say they’re bisexual (mostly girls) and really aren’t which gives a very bad look to us and the bisexual community.

I don’t really know if she’s actually bisexual – that’s up to her, but whatever. The point is, someone like her will never end up with someone like me.

1) She’s quite popular, I’m not that popular- in some ways I am, but not even as close as she is.

2) She has a boyfriend, that should already just be a reason on it’s own.

3) She’s pretty i.e way out of my league
.
I’d rather put myself down, then think of ways that it could happen between us, when really it just can’t. We’ve never actually had a conversation because I’m too much of a pussy.

And I need to deal with my own shit.

I have too much stupid stuff to deal with.

I’m so annoyed with everyone and everything and mostly myself. I feel like there’s something inside of me that’s missing, that’s empty and I can’t find a way to fill it in.

It’s so weird and strange and complicated that to even dare to try to explain it would be a dis- service to myself and to any reader (who ever reads this anyway which I bet is no one). It’s just the way I feel.

Then even worse is the pain. The undeniable excruciating mentally tiring pain that doesn’t go away, it keeps on nagging and just comes to the service when you least want it and expect it. My life in a nutshell ; sucks.

My mum still has this weird belief that it’s a phase, and nothing I do right now will make her not believe that, even if she insists she believes me, I can see from the tone of her voice that she’s pretty sure it’s a phase. And I’m pretty sure that it’s not.

I was working on my book again today. It’s doing okay I guess, nothing to special, I’m still writing the rough down on paper so it still needs to be worked on but until then it’s quite good – apart from all the writers block I get after writing a chapter. I hate writers block, it makes my life harder then it already is.

I just want to make a connection with someone really, and I can stay complaining my whiny ass all day about how much I want love and a connection but nothing will happen. I know all these things, I’m quite realistic, I just wished reality wasn’t such a hard slap in the face bitch, because that’s what it is. Reality sucks.

I hate this stupid world I live in sometimes, where everyone has a say in whatever the fuck you do. I’m so annoyed with everything and everyone now and I can’t even begin to explain how I’m just tired of everyone’s bullshit, I need something GOOD and exciting to happen in my life. And this is NOT it.

Far fucking from it.

Jesus it just gets boring, always doing the same thing till the cycle just breaks in the middle and we mend it up again but nothing is ever the same because everybody changes and I’m not making sense.

I get that people change.

But we’re in 10th grade. Stop fucking changing.

It’s enough your boobs look like they’re going to burst out of a sack, calm your tits. (Get it?) Actually that was so lame, and  I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I’m heading off to sleep, because I’m shit ass tired.

Bye <3

Entry #38– I hate liking people

Hey again,

Just came back from school.

Skipped Maths because it’s shoddy and shitty.

Watched Faking It and Awkward and OH MY JESUS I WANT MORE.

I’m not sup post to be on the computer blogging right now, but honestly I don’t really give a shit, so whatever, I’ll just go wash and study peacefully like the good student I am, because after all it’s not like I have exams in 2 weeks.

I passed my ECDL exam. Woop.

Such enthusiasm radiating from this very post, I can literally feel it.

Nothing that interesting happened at school today, nothing ever does really, Although just before I left school I saw my English teacher trying to reason out with Hannah one of my friends who has this big ass crush over this big ass guy called Matthew who has a really fucking hot girlfriend who moved to school a month ago and I guess I really like her.

She’s bisexual.

Just putting it out there.

Anyway. Hannah and Sammy are always fighting because Sammy and Matthew are really fucking protective over eachother but whatever, they’re both hot individuals so they both deserve to be with one another because they’re both so fucking happy, and they’re cute together I guess.

I want them to split but honestly I’ve been trying to stop liking her because, I want her to be happy, even if I don’t fucking know her, but life is so complicated because I think I’ve never liked someone as much as her. I don’t even know why. I got so pissed off, so so pissed off because in reality I’ve never actually spoken to her.

But I swear to god I catch her staring at me a lot in Chemistry and Jesus I don’t know why but I get so nervous around her and I’m not even half as swift and ‘cool’ as I sound on the blog in real life, I’m a nervous ass shit fucker who chokes up when they like someone, that’s me. Sorry for all the profanity.
I’m not a pervert or anything, I just really like her, and I feel drawn towards her and god knows why but I just really like her, and I can’t help it, but nothing can ever happen between us because in reality she probably doesn’t really notice me.

She follows me on tumblr and always reblogs my shit for some reason. Doesn’t mean she knows who I am though , I post a bunch of gay stuff sometimes on my tumblr but whatever.

When I had gone on a London trip with some of my friends a month ago, Irony of all Ironies they dared me to act lesbian so I did for the whole week and I made them all laugh and they were talking about it in front of her because she was sitting down in P.E (she’s not in my class , but I take P.E in their class because I dropped art, so every other week I see her in P.E but she never does anything in P.E because she has low blood pressure. I don’t know.)  and I was seriously shy and humiliated because she was looking at me whilst they had to tell the fucking teacher how I acted bloody lesbian for a week and everyone laughing and she’s just looking over so, whatever, I suck balls.

Not literally. Of course.

Still a virgin.

She isn’t. Apparently. She’s way out of my league, so there’s no point.

Whatever I’m saying right now, seems comical but I really do like her, and fuck all the comedy for one paragraph, I really do like her more than I’ve liked anyone else and she’s got quite an interesting character, and we’re both mentally fucked up (although I got kind of pissed off because she blurted out she had bi- polar in class and people who do that bug me, because I’m pretty sure she didn’t get that diagnosed, but maybe she does, I don’t know. I do. It sucks. I don’t want to talk about that.) and she does stare at me a lot, but that doesn’t mean anything.

I think she was talking about me to her boyfriend (who is my friend in a way I guess) in the line for the cafeteria because I heard him say, “She’s in what class with you?” and she said “Chemistry.” and I don’t know but I assumed she was talking about me because I’m the only one next to her who’s in Chemistry.
But she doesn’t like me in that way, she probably barely acknowledges me, she’s happy with her boyfriend, and I should go find some actual lesbians or bisexuals or whatever, but I can’t because I’m still 15 and not fucking old enough. My life sucks.

Right now, I’m just being all stupid and comical but if I’m having a shit day, I won’t be and some of these posts can be disturbingly depressing, so get ready for a shit storm.
But right now I just like making jokes about everything to cope even though it really fucking hurts.
I’ll explain later.

Bye.

For Now.

Entry #37 - It's 22:46, and I'm so obviously a rebel

Hey AGAIN,
Blogging on the same day. You should be proud.
It’s 22:46, and I’m sup post to be asleep, but I’m such a rebel so I stayed awake. Wow.
I’m really bored right now, wondering what to do. So I just decided to rant on a blog I commonly neglect but it doesn’t really matter, because no one sees it.

Personally when I was younger I really wanted people to see it, but I honestly don’t really care now – My posts are quite sloppy and ranty and boring so – I doubt anyone would want to see me willow in my own self pity of what I’ve become.
I make myself sound like a total twat, I’m really not that bad, I just think I am, because I honestly believe it.

I have been spiralling down a bottomless sink that will never ever, ever bring me back to the surface, I’m done for, and the one thing I wish for most is a girlfriend and that’s so fucking sad because I’m obviously not going to meet any lesbians in this fucking island I live on with close minded bigots.

Jesus I’m so tired of the people I’m surrounded by nowadays, they’re all so close minded and idiotic.
I want a girlfriend because I’m all soppy and loving, and want to be in love and as much as I hate to admit it, It’s the thing I want most right now, and to be happy – but that’s kind of out of the question for me.

I want a girlfriend because I really just want to be in love, I want to experience what I see everyone experiencing, and knowing I have to wait because I’m still 15 really pisses me off and makes me want to throw a brick at someone, because I really just want to be out there, not having to comment on how fucking sexy some big ass guy is when I really don’t give a fuck how hot he is unless he has a girlfriend.

I’m just tired of living this constant lie. I just want to be out of this bloody goddamned metaphoric closet. I’ve told my parents, and most of my friend but I’m still in the closet to the rest of my family and some of my friends, and I shouldn’t have to hide it, but I still have to, because I’m just one of those unfortunate people who gets dumped with bullshit all their life.

It’s not the worst thing ever – not having a girlfriend, but I really just want to experience my first time with a girl (not anything sexual – for now, I’m still 15) just being there or whatever and I can’t even get close to coming out because telling someone takes me literally 45 minutes because I keep spiralling on how to say it when all I have to say are two words. ‘I’m Gay.’

Tumblr is my man <3 I love tumblr. It’s the one blog I have actually kept in touch with, because I neglect everything after a while, but it’s not exactly a blog, it’s  a blog for pictures and stuff and gifs, and I also make gifs and I don’t even know what I’m saying.

I’m not at a low point right now. But I am tired. So I’m heading off to sleep.

Working on a piece of writing. Guess I should write the plot just incase.

It’s about an 18 year old girl, Jenna who gets a 3 year scholarship to go to a performing arts school in England (written out of the fucked up disappointment that this bitch got the one week scholarship and not me, and my parents obviously said it was my fault – as usual) and she has a boyfriend and all and they’re really cute (I made sure I made really cute scenes with them, I still love straight couples) but it all fucks up when no.1 girls are fucking bitchy there and no.2 she falls in love with this hot openly bisexual girl who she feels drawn to even though she’s straight.

I don’t want to define Jenna’s sexuality, I just want to emphasize that what she had with Jake was love but what she eventually ends up having (Jade is very fucked up, I love writing fucked up antagonistic people) with Jade (who I based on Effy Stonem from skins) is love in it’s purest form – not because she’s a girl, because she’s her soulmate or whatever and It has nothing to do with sexuality because you can’t control who you fall in love with- that’s the message I’m trying to put out there. Whatever – but I really hope I finish this, the book is better than the plot.

I’m seriously going to go now. Thanks for not reading my rant.

Bye

Entry #36–Jesus, It’s been a long time

Ok wow. It’s been long. Like, really long.

Like I skipped the whole 2013. 2013 is non, existent.

Hi again. I abandoned this thing and then got nostalgic and here I am…again? Typical me <3

Fuck knows if I’m actually going to keep this up. I don’t really know what I’m doing but a lot of things have changed. I have changed – and not for the better.

I mean in my old posts I was fairly normal – intelligent, and didn’t make stupid idiotic decisions… but not I’ve just become a big fat disappointment, and I don’t even know if I can say any less for the people I’m surrounded by.

Since last year I’ve made loads of new friends, and especially one friend – Luca and we’ve grown really close and I don’t feel like going into detail because it’s all so complicated now that I’m gay.

Gay? WHAT. YOU GAY?!

Yes. Fucking gay, gay for shit.

I can’t even understand how to explain this to you or whatever ‘you’ are but, yeah you get the drift or whatever, but I came to terms with it in December and I’m proud. Woot.

Parents found out, big fight, got over it (I’m being extremely brief here) Got depressed, told some of my friends, they were fine with it, in the process of telling other people, my sister’s fine with it, and now I’m ready for a girlfriend.

Which by the way – isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

I know it’s really complicated how all of the sudden I’m gay, but I’ve always been and Chase and I kind of broke up because of it, but I didn’t know and he didn’t know but I mean, not being sexually attracted to guys kind of gets in the way in a straight relationship. You know…

Whatever I don’t feel like going into detail. I’ve made out with a girl before, and It was fun and I’m so gay, like Jesus probably is ashamed of how gay I am especially for -----> Kaya Scodelario.

Jesus she’s so hot.

I like Jesus- but only when I use him as a noun in my expressions, probably a phase I’ll get out of – but until then – JESUS.

Anyway, I am depressed as fucking shit and suicidal and you have no idea how much I’ve changed since my posts a couple of years ago, got into self harm – smoking (when my mum doesn’t notice i steal her cigarettes) and uhm, nothing to rebellish honestly (I got really drunk 2 weeks ago but pshhhht, never again)

I’m not even joking,  I have gotten so bad that I just can’t even explain it. It’s kind of weird and stupid and awkward after how I used to be. Right now it’s really confusing but after a couple of posts I’ll fill in the huge fucking gap.

Luca is also gay. We’re family. You know, both LGBT, whatever. I’m gay. Bye.

For now.

Or forever.

Just hope it’s just for now.

PS : I know I’m talking about everything like it’s a joke, but I’ll get more serious in my posts, I just miss being innocent so I hide my screwed up mentality with jokes, which makes everything even more screwed up but, whatever.