Entry #36–Jesus, It’s been a long time

Ok wow. It’s been long. Like, really long.

Like I skipped the whole 2013. 2013 is non, existent.

Hi again. I abandoned this thing and then got nostalgic and here I am…again? Typical me <3

Fuck knows if I’m actually going to keep this up. I don’t really know what I’m doing but a lot of things have changed. I have changed – and not for the better.

I mean in my old posts I was fairly normal – intelligent, and didn’t make stupid idiotic decisions… but not I’ve just become a big fat disappointment, and I don’t even know if I can say any less for the people I’m surrounded by.

Since last year I’ve made loads of new friends, and especially one friend – Luca and we’ve grown really close and I don’t feel like going into detail because it’s all so complicated now that I’m gay.

Gay? WHAT. YOU GAY?!

Yes. Fucking gay, gay for shit.

I can’t even understand how to explain this to you or whatever ‘you’ are but, yeah you get the drift or whatever, but I came to terms with it in December and I’m proud. Woot.

Parents found out, big fight, got over it (I’m being extremely brief here) Got depressed, told some of my friends, they were fine with it, in the process of telling other people, my sister’s fine with it, and now I’m ready for a girlfriend.

Which by the way – isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

I know it’s really complicated how all of the sudden I’m gay, but I’ve always been and Chase and I kind of broke up because of it, but I didn’t know and he didn’t know but I mean, not being sexually attracted to guys kind of gets in the way in a straight relationship. You know…

Whatever I don’t feel like going into detail. I’ve made out with a girl before, and It was fun and I’m so gay, like Jesus probably is ashamed of how gay I am especially for -----> Kaya Scodelario.

Jesus she’s so hot.

I like Jesus- but only when I use him as a noun in my expressions, probably a phase I’ll get out of – but until then – JESUS.

Anyway, I am depressed as fucking shit and suicidal and you have no idea how much I’ve changed since my posts a couple of years ago, got into self harm – smoking (when my mum doesn’t notice i steal her cigarettes) and uhm, nothing to rebellish honestly (I got really drunk 2 weeks ago but pshhhht, never again)

I’m not even joking,  I have gotten so bad that I just can’t even explain it. It’s kind of weird and stupid and awkward after how I used to be. Right now it’s really confusing but after a couple of posts I’ll fill in the huge fucking gap.

Luca is also gay. We’re family. You know, both LGBT, whatever. I’m gay. Bye.

For now.

Or forever.

Just hope it’s just for now.

PS : I know I’m talking about everything like it’s a joke, but I’ll get more serious in my posts, I just miss being innocent so I hide my screwed up mentality with jokes, which makes everything even more screwed up but, whatever.