Entry#12- My Life, your life.... our Life.

A day feels like a year, and everything slows down, drowning in depression, trying to get up for air, but all I can do is seep lower, lower and lower....

No, I'm not happy, and yes i'm boring you with depression, but after all you are my journal. For the past 2 posts, you're wondering whats happened, and you're right, I have been ranting about my life but not saying why i'm so sad.

But it hurts to say what happened, even though I leave it back in my mind. It's hard not to think about it, and not crying is making it even worse, wondering what could be worse then this, life is suddenly turning out to be harder then usual.

It hurts so much... I think, am I becoming less attractive, or am I just plain ugly. Why am I trying to Impress other people, why.. am I acting so low life?

The questions I ask myself are funny, because I as for all, do not know how to answer them, and heck yeah, I would like to know why.

Answers are hard to find, and I can't find an answer of why I did that, why I slapped him, well yes I do know, but I did think so, I did think that he did really like me.

Too much, he was playing around with the heart (or as I should say "Hearts") of a 12 year old girl. Of a girl who thought she had a chance, but lost it sooner.

Anger had filled me up to the brim, never had I though I found someone like that, yet he was playing around with me, and you have no idea how that hurt.

I don't hate him, but I don't like him, I would be sniggering and gossiping about him. No, I won't be so foolish and no I won't be mean.

I throw done my book in frustration, and I punch my pillow, so much for violence isn't the answer, I scream into my pillow and throw it on the floor.

I was like a mad Lion, trying to protect her cubs. Except, yes I was mad, and no I'm not a lion (well I hope I don't look like one) and sadly, I'm not strong :P

This heartache has taught me, to be stronger (well err yeah) and to be wiser next time, but never ever will I say "I will never believe in love again"

Because you can find love.... right in front of you. As it is, you can find it right there inside you, as that piece of my heart is mended, by a different heart, forever and ever.

Entry#11- Desperate

I've come to a point, in life where i'm desperate to get stuff and other things.

Well what I mean is... things have changed from the last time I posted, I just noticed I need to start taking more care of myself. Don't worry, i'm not gonna rant about that, but I Just wanted to tell you :)

Everyone gets desperate, for a boyfriend, usually a good looking one, and their are the crushes and yatta yatta, I could go on :P Anyway, and thing is, I sort of hate that.

Being in a relationship is hard, first its cool, then there are heartaches and then finally a break up, and there's all that "sane" drama, and really I don't feel like that.

Boyfriends, are hard to deal with too, how do you know they're not cheating on you. (Don't let that pile up in your little head :P) It's just those little things that lead your heart to be tore apart... and I should know.

Maybe I am desperate for a boyfriend, but I don't care, because for now... I don't need one, I don't need an extension of my heart, to be eventually taken away and ripped up into pieces.

Other things are to be desperate for like growing up, turning out into this cool awesome teenager, when the time comes, you've got to move on.

Growing up is hard, especially for women, but anyway I won't go into details. Life itself is unfair and hard, you live and you learn.

You're probably wondering why i'm boring you with this post, I don't blame you, but I guess I just feel like blurting the truth, because at this very moment... i'm hurt.

My heart is bleeding with sorrow, and the only thing I can do, is talk to you, I haven't cried and I will not cry because that, is not who I am, relationships are boring, life is exciting and for all it is, I already have a relationship. With My Life.

You see, life is something that guides you and leads you to what is right, and you sometimes lead it to the wrong places, and then you blame it on your life, life is unfair sometimes, but thats the way it is.

As a wise person, I should know that when someone hurts your feeling, a friend, a best friend, a boyfriend, you cry, it's normal, us human beings all do it and it's normal..

But you see.... that's something right now I can't do, and won't do, and it may sound stupid but I don't know why...

The thing is, I'm happy now, because even though I didn't cry I still let it all out. Life is unfair but today... it helped me.