Entry #33- Weird ._.

So, I know that last night’s post was….intense.

I was just feeling bad. Really bad.

Today I had to go to some kind of angel healing person, and I had to do this whole one hour session with her.

I have to admit…. I was mildly impressed, she did kind of make me feel calmer but that was probably the bunch of meditation fucking music playing in the back-ground and the whole lying down in the afternoon thing instead of rushing to private lessons.

I went out with my neighbour who tends to get annoying in fact she did get annoying but I just really needed to get out of the house so I didn’t mind.

I also went to my grandfathers birthday straight after and went on the roof and got tipsy and made jokes with some Indian accent, so my mum is probably thinking I’ve gotten better but it was the alcohol.

Alcohol is such an interesting piece of shit.

I’m still feeling the same and I’m also still feeling fucking weird and fucking fucking fucking.

Sorry that seems to sum up what’s going on in my mind.

Not fucking, you hopeless pervert, I mean my mind is currently a glorious head fuck right now.

And so is this Kings Of Leon Album I bought today which I am seriously happy about.

I love physical copies.

I love the band.

I love music.

‘DO YOU LIKE MUSIC?’

‘DO YOU LIKE BREATHING?’

I have probably seen that gif so many fucking times that I kind of hate Emma Roberts now.

Lol Joke.

She’s insanely hot.

I love how everyone keeps saying that I can’t tell if I’m lesbian right now but I clearly am.

LIKE DOES THIS POST DO YOU ENOUGH CONVINCING?

I think I’m kind of in love with Kira Knightley.

She’s so……good.

I’m talking out of lesbian interest, (which believe me-I’ve got.)

I mean she’s such a good actress, and her face is just vintage. I just really like her.

This is what happens when it’s 00:58 at night and I’m ranting like a fool, I suddenly get all emotional and forget my rule to shut the fuck up.

Technically I’m not saying anything, I’m writing it so what the hell.

I wish being a lesbian didn’t make me feel so…not feminine.

Which I am, but I don’t know the whole idea of liking girls make me feel like I’m some kind of asshole jerk ass face guy.

And I’m not.

I’m in such a weird mood right now.

My writing skills are superb.

I’m going to write like some posh arse twat.

That’s not posh.

Screw that idea.

I’m so inconsistent with everything. My life is inconsistent. Everything about me is inconsistent.

I felt ok at the dinner and now I just feel stupid again.

It’s like I have this massive bloody fear to be abandoned.

So angry, so angry all the time.

So deeply depressed.

How can someone my age be going through so much.

Everyday I feel like cutting my wrists.

I imagine blood spilling out of my hands and feel the emptiness and pain slip out of me.

My parents are getting divorced.

I am sad.

Woe is me.

(I’m imitating fucking losers who think it’s okay to act depressed for glorification of it and getting attention, by the way.)

My teeth still hurt.

I want to take 4 painkillers again.

They actually worked.

Yay.

I feel it’s a good time to show what tumblr has to offer.

(I love tumblr btw)

OMG WAIT.

IT’S KAYA SCODELARIO.

OH HI

YES I LOVE YOU ARE MY FAVORITE CELEBERITY PLEASE EAT ME.

AS IN MY CHEEKS.

NOT DOWN SOUTH.

I AM TOO YOUNG TO THINK OF SUCH ACTS.

SEXUAL ACTS.

Here another one

WAIT THATS LANA.

HI I LOVE YOU TOO.

YOU AREN’T MY FAVORITE KAYA STILL IS BUT YOU ARE STILL HOT.

AND HAVE AMAZING MUSIC.

I LOVE YOU.

Maybe an actual woe is me depressed gif will come up.

Only time will tell.

FINALLY.

Excuse me but I am deeply offended.

Stupid?

Stupid?

I’m joking by the way.

Bad jokes.

I don’t lie I do end up posting those gifs but I actually feel that way.

A lot of people post that for notes.

Yes I sound like a bitch.

Does it justify my actions.

No.

When does it ever justify my actions.

This the weirdest post ever.

CAW

Entry #32- False Hope and Fake People

Hey.

Yeah.

Wow.

I’m so confused.

Like I am in a bunch of pain right now. I can’t even write my novel (the one I was writing about the girl getting the scholarship etc.) I can’t.

Not emotional pain btw.

I just got my braces tightened and it fucking hurts. It feels like my mouth has just died inside of me. No seriously.

I’m just sitting here listening to Ultraviolence by Lana Del Rey, and the Disk is so colourful it makes me feel kind of whole in a way. I don’t know.

Apart from my teeth, gums and jaw in serious pain- I am quite confused.

I’m confused at everything that’s happening, it feels like everything’s changing but it also feels like every day is the same. It’s too complicated to explain.

I’m stuck in this constant replay and nothing is getting better.

I don’t know what the hell is going on with my parents, and I’m trying to stay out of it but they keep including me in it and I really just don’t want to be included in it. I just want to stay out of it.

I’m lonely.

I know I sound like some love struck teenager longing for some attention/company with nights so long ‘she has to fake the smile.’

Ew.

No.

I hate those fucking people.

Fucking annoying attention whores.

I just really am lonely and I wish I wouldn’t feel so lonely, because maybe I could go out without feeling like I’m going to get bored.

Maybe I could not feel like an idiot every second of my existence.

Maybe I wouldn’t need to say ‘SHUT UP’ in my head every time I think about something I’ve said, something I’ve done, or to just think about the future.

I’m so worried and scared and depressed and it has just become me.

It’s not just ‘getting depressed sometimes’ it’s become me. It is the core of me. Every bone in my body. It has become me.

I want to say that things have changed, that I’ve changed, that I’ve become a better person- that I’ve stopped repeating myself over and over again. That I’m not the same person I used to be.

But I still am.

I still like her, and I hate how I have to lie about it.

Because the truth is it’s NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. And I swear I whisper it every day, EVERY FUCKING DAY- that yes- she’s straight or bisexual or whatever – it can’t happen. 

I am the person that blends in, I am that person. I am not interesting. I am not some girl who fucking goes home and cries, I’ve always done that, before it became some stupid trend to be depressed or whatever.

I am different and I hate it.

I am not popular.

She is.

It’s fucking stupid- social statuses really, but it’s true someone like her can’t be with someone like me- how can she ever notice me if I never do anything about it.

This is life, people don’t notice you when you are insecure, being insecure isn’t ‘quirky’ or ‘cool’ it fucking sucks, because no one wants to be with someone insecure.

I can’t even control my own secret.

Apparently my mum’s told a lot of my family that I’m gay ages ago.

I have no say in my own fucking sexual orientation.

MY. SEXUAL. ORIENTATION.

I am so angry I can’t even control it anymore. I hate being angry. It sucks so much. It sucks it sucks it sucks!

She’s never going to like me.

And everyone fucking tells me that- AS IF I DONT FUCKING KNOW.

But I can’t just get over her.

It’s the most difficult thing to do. Just ‘get over’ someone. I can’t.

My problems are stupid and minor and miniscule but they’re my problems. MY. PROBLEMS.

And I just want to be with someone, I want to be good with someone, I want to be in a relationship with a girl. I want to feel that. I want to feel loved.

Am I asking for too much?

Do I have enough and I’m just being selfish and spoilt?

Is it too much to ask for? Because everyone seems to have someone in mind and I just can’t seem to do anything.

I can’t not feel bad.

I can’t not feel depressed.

I have tried everything.

Going out, looking for happiness within myself, not being negative, accept compliments, write, read, sing, dance, act, not look at depressing things, stay away from depressing people but that’s the problem- it never works – none of it. It’s not people around me. It’s me.

I am the problem.

I am what’s wrong.

And this is what I want to say.

To my mum, to my family, to my friends, not for pity- so they can understand because I can’t explain it, because I just can’t seem to say the right words, and I can barely right because it hurts.

It really fucking hurts.

Writing. Writing it does nothing though.

I’m typing my ass away on a website that no one sees and no one is going to see.
What does it matter?

What does anything I do matter?

When does it ever matter?

I am just a human being among all the rest, the 7 billion people on this planet. People around me are going through the same things and worse.

So, why should I be the one who gets help?

What’s so hard with my life that I can’t seem to pull myself together?

To not ‘get over it’ or to not ‘get over her’

The truth is, you are an island.

That’s the thing, eventually people are going to get tired of you, they’ll say they’re there for you and that they are here to talk to, but when they realize the chronic pain, and the constant never ending problems and whining all you are to them is a burden, and then the best thing is to shut up.

And not care.

Because they don’t. No one wants to hear depressing things. Not really.

It’s so true and when you realize that things are just so unreal it’s scary. It’s so scary because no one is really ever there.

Not until you find that right person.And who knows how long that will take?

It’s worth the wait.

That is what I keep on saying in my head.

That’s the one thing that isn’t keeping me from killing myself.

No exaggeration, no forced empathy. It’s the truth.

I just can’t keep on doing this, I can’t keep on going through the same things, I can’t accept myself and the way I am, I can’t keep on living a life that doesn’t seem to be well fit for me.

I can’t do this.

Honestly.

I can’t.

The only thing I do is fuck up.

The only thing I do is lie.

The only thing I do is be me.

And I hate me.

So much that I can’t even bare to look at it.

I can’t look at me. Or anything that represents me. I just can’t.

Why would she ever like me?

She has a boyfriend, she’s happy with him- and I’m just the girl she doesn’t know, that she doesn’t even acknowledge, and that’s not her fault. Not once have I ever made myself apparent.

She’s happy. And if I was in that situation I would hate the person that ruined that.
I am not going to be that person.

Seeing stories and tales and movies of all this bullshit of how things end up don’t work.
They just give you some type of hope that doesn’t exist. Really. That’s it. It’s fake hope. 

And that’s the worst thing ever, because these things just don’t happen. This is life, and life is a son of a bitch and we all know that, and life is fair- because it’s unfair to everybody, at the end of the day you fuck it up.

You fuck things up.

Not life.

Life is just something that’s given to you.

What you do with it, is ultimately your choice.

And this is mine.

Depressed,stupid,cliche,silly,naive,idiotic,anxious fucking me.

I have made myself this person, and now I have got to deal with the consequences.

Entry #31–What now?

Hi again.

So I took a couple of months break because I needed to focus on my exams.

Which I ended up doing shit in anyway.

Now it’s summer and it hasn’t been the worst.

I am going out.

Lots of clubbing.

Like yesterday.

Guess who I saw?

SAMMY.

AND HER BOYFRIEND WASN’T WITH HER.

They’re still going out, so it’s pointless.

I danced with two guys (she did look at me once, lol like she cared though) and when this third guy tried to kiss me I had to tell him I was gay and he said ‘Even Better.’

I obviously ran to the bathroom to escape this strange dude. God knows what he would have tried to do. I’m too sexy to resist.

#sarcasm

Did I just use a ‘#’?

Oh Jesus.

I’ve been pretty good though, I only have a couple of drinks and I’m always sober and taking care of my friends who do not have the amount of will power I have.

I still like Sammy, but since I don’t see her as much since we don’t have school it’s less painful. Everything is still the same. The only difference is I think I’ve gotten worse. The way I see it at least.

I’ve started buying packets of cigarettes and I’m smoking around one a day, but mind you – I’d probably smoke way more if I didn’t need to be so cautious about the smell of the smoke.

Recently I’ve also gotten to the point where I really just want to cut myself. I just want to do it. To fill up the emptiness inside and I know it sounds stupid but I just feel like I need to.

I don’t even want to talk about that.

I want to get better.

I’m going to a psychologist now.

I hate it but I guess I should go.

I just feel like shit all the time and I wish I didn’t.

My parents are actually getting split and I don’t even know.

I’m so confused that I just want to not remember things. Just to forget.

It isn’t ever that easy.