Entry #29– Annoyance to the Max

Hi.

I’m in a bad mood.

I feel uncompleted.

I don’t even know.

I’m going to try and expand on my post earlier.

I was talking about her and really it’s quite complicated. There’s something about her that just kind of draws me in, I don’t know what it is, it’s not because she’s bisexual or anything it’s just her I guess.

But with being gay comes the horrible disadvantage of the like of someone liking you back is basically 0.11111111%, especially with some people who say they’re bisexual (mostly girls) and really aren’t which gives a very bad look to us and the bisexual community.

I don’t really know if she’s actually bisexual – that’s up to her, but whatever. The point is, someone like her will never end up with someone like me.

1) She’s quite popular, I’m not that popular- in some ways I am, but not even as close as she is.

2) She has a boyfriend, that should already just be a reason on it’s own.

3) She’s pretty i.e way out of my league
.
I’d rather put myself down, then think of ways that it could happen between us, when really it just can’t. We’ve never actually had a conversation because I’m too much of a pussy.

And I need to deal with my own shit.

I have too much stupid stuff to deal with.

I’m so annoyed with everyone and everything and mostly myself. I feel like there’s something inside of me that’s missing, that’s empty and I can’t find a way to fill it in.

It’s so weird and strange and complicated that to even dare to try to explain it would be a dis- service to myself and to any reader (who ever reads this anyway which I bet is no one). It’s just the way I feel.

Then even worse is the pain. The undeniable excruciating mentally tiring pain that doesn’t go away, it keeps on nagging and just comes to the service when you least want it and expect it. My life in a nutshell ; sucks.

My mum still has this weird belief that it’s a phase, and nothing I do right now will make her not believe that, even if she insists she believes me, I can see from the tone of her voice that she’s pretty sure it’s a phase. And I’m pretty sure that it’s not.

I was working on my book again today. It’s doing okay I guess, nothing to special, I’m still writing the rough down on paper so it still needs to be worked on but until then it’s quite good – apart from all the writers block I get after writing a chapter. I hate writers block, it makes my life harder then it already is.

I just want to make a connection with someone really, and I can stay complaining my whiny ass all day about how much I want love and a connection but nothing will happen. I know all these things, I’m quite realistic, I just wished reality wasn’t such a hard slap in the face bitch, because that’s what it is. Reality sucks.

I hate this stupid world I live in sometimes, where everyone has a say in whatever the fuck you do. I’m so annoyed with everything and everyone now and I can’t even begin to explain how I’m just tired of everyone’s bullshit, I need something GOOD and exciting to happen in my life. And this is NOT it.

Far fucking from it.

Jesus it just gets boring, always doing the same thing till the cycle just breaks in the middle and we mend it up again but nothing is ever the same because everybody changes and I’m not making sense.

I get that people change.

But we’re in 10th grade. Stop fucking changing.

It’s enough your boobs look like they’re going to burst out of a sack, calm your tits. (Get it?) Actually that was so lame, and  I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I’m heading off to sleep, because I’m shit ass tired.

Bye <3