Entry #37 - It's 22:46, and I'm so obviously a rebel

Hey AGAIN,
Blogging on the same day. You should be proud.
It’s 22:46, and I’m sup post to be asleep, but I’m such a rebel so I stayed awake. Wow.
I’m really bored right now, wondering what to do. So I just decided to rant on a blog I commonly neglect but it doesn’t really matter, because no one sees it.

Personally when I was younger I really wanted people to see it, but I honestly don’t really care now – My posts are quite sloppy and ranty and boring so – I doubt anyone would want to see me willow in my own self pity of what I’ve become.
I make myself sound like a total twat, I’m really not that bad, I just think I am, because I honestly believe it.

I have been spiralling down a bottomless sink that will never ever, ever bring me back to the surface, I’m done for, and the one thing I wish for most is a girlfriend and that’s so fucking sad because I’m obviously not going to meet any lesbians in this fucking island I live on with close minded bigots.

Jesus I’m so tired of the people I’m surrounded by nowadays, they’re all so close minded and idiotic.
I want a girlfriend because I’m all soppy and loving, and want to be in love and as much as I hate to admit it, It’s the thing I want most right now, and to be happy – but that’s kind of out of the question for me.

I want a girlfriend because I really just want to be in love, I want to experience what I see everyone experiencing, and knowing I have to wait because I’m still 15 really pisses me off and makes me want to throw a brick at someone, because I really just want to be out there, not having to comment on how fucking sexy some big ass guy is when I really don’t give a fuck how hot he is unless he has a girlfriend.

I’m just tired of living this constant lie. I just want to be out of this bloody goddamned metaphoric closet. I’ve told my parents, and most of my friend but I’m still in the closet to the rest of my family and some of my friends, and I shouldn’t have to hide it, but I still have to, because I’m just one of those unfortunate people who gets dumped with bullshit all their life.

It’s not the worst thing ever – not having a girlfriend, but I really just want to experience my first time with a girl (not anything sexual – for now, I’m still 15) just being there or whatever and I can’t even get close to coming out because telling someone takes me literally 45 minutes because I keep spiralling on how to say it when all I have to say are two words. ‘I’m Gay.’

Tumblr is my man <3 I love tumblr. It’s the one blog I have actually kept in touch with, because I neglect everything after a while, but it’s not exactly a blog, it’s  a blog for pictures and stuff and gifs, and I also make gifs and I don’t even know what I’m saying.

I’m not at a low point right now. But I am tired. So I’m heading off to sleep.

Working on a piece of writing. Guess I should write the plot just incase.

It’s about an 18 year old girl, Jenna who gets a 3 year scholarship to go to a performing arts school in England (written out of the fucked up disappointment that this bitch got the one week scholarship and not me, and my parents obviously said it was my fault – as usual) and she has a boyfriend and all and they’re really cute (I made sure I made really cute scenes with them, I still love straight couples) but it all fucks up when no.1 girls are fucking bitchy there and no.2 she falls in love with this hot openly bisexual girl who she feels drawn to even though she’s straight.

I don’t want to define Jenna’s sexuality, I just want to emphasize that what she had with Jake was love but what she eventually ends up having (Jade is very fucked up, I love writing fucked up antagonistic people) with Jade (who I based on Effy Stonem from skins) is love in it’s purest form – not because she’s a girl, because she’s her soulmate or whatever and It has nothing to do with sexuality because you can’t control who you fall in love with- that’s the message I’m trying to put out there. Whatever – but I really hope I finish this, the book is better than the plot.

I’m seriously going to go now. Thanks for not reading my rant.

Bye