Entry #36 - I don't know what to do anymore

I haven't written anything on here in a while. 

And so much has happened, more than I can explain. 

Firstly, my parents got legally separated and are living in different houses. My original household is now my mother's house and my dad is living in an apartment in St Julians. I'm writing this from my dads house right now. 

You'd think after all this time (and after that horribly memorable last post) I'd be better by now. I'm not. Not even close.

I hate to be so fucking dramatic but I feel like I'm drowning. I really don't know what is going on anymore - with me, or with everyone else around me. I'm drifting apart, from everyone. My thoughts are now intricate pieces of delicate matter floating in my mind, hitting important parts of my psyche that not even I myself can comprehend.

Without the use of fancy ass words, I'm completely lost.

I no longer want to be in a relationship. There is no way I can be in a relationship like this. I'm hopeless - helpless. I'm dead inside.

I can't connect to anyone. My therapist says it's because I'm experiencing the consequences of what got fucked up in their marriage, and maybe she's right. But all the same I don't feel right. I feel so stupid. I feel alone.

I'm getting my O level results soon and god knows what I got in them. I literally don't care anymore. I'm useless, as a person both socially and biologically.

As I am writing this I am sober. But not less than half an hour ago I was kind of drunk and I ended up cutting myself again. After over 2 months of being clean (24th April) I retreat back to my stupid fucking habits that I HAVE NOT YET GIVEN UP.

I am furious and indifferent to my situation both at the same time. I don't know how that can be, but I am.

I want to cry out for help but something holds me back. Maybe a part of me wants to remain hidden from everyone else.

Maybe it isn't only a part of me.

Telling a story so solemn as this on a blog absolutely no one reads is more than just fucking sad. It's moronic. Sadistic - in it's own way.

'I could feel my eyes turning into dust' - it's taken from a song but I feel it's every lyric 'Two strangers turning into dust.' Right now that is what I feel like. I feel as if I am a stranger not only to others but to myself.

I don't know what the hell to do anymore. I really don't.