Entry #31–What now?

Hi again.

So I took a couple of months break because I needed to focus on my exams.

Which I ended up doing shit in anyway.

Now it’s summer and it hasn’t been the worst.

I am going out.

Lots of clubbing.

Like yesterday.

Guess who I saw?

SAMMY.

AND HER BOYFRIEND WASN’T WITH HER.

They’re still going out, so it’s pointless.

I danced with two guys (she did look at me once, lol like she cared though) and when this third guy tried to kiss me I had to tell him I was gay and he said ‘Even Better.’

I obviously ran to the bathroom to escape this strange dude. God knows what he would have tried to do. I’m too sexy to resist.

#sarcasm

Did I just use a ‘#’?

Oh Jesus.

I’ve been pretty good though, I only have a couple of drinks and I’m always sober and taking care of my friends who do not have the amount of will power I have.

I still like Sammy, but since I don’t see her as much since we don’t have school it’s less painful. Everything is still the same. The only difference is I think I’ve gotten worse. The way I see it at least.

I’ve started buying packets of cigarettes and I’m smoking around one a day, but mind you – I’d probably smoke way more if I didn’t need to be so cautious about the smell of the smoke.

Recently I’ve also gotten to the point where I really just want to cut myself. I just want to do it. To fill up the emptiness inside and I know it sounds stupid but I just feel like I need to.

I don’t even want to talk about that.

I want to get better.

I’m going to a psychologist now.

I hate it but I guess I should go.

I just feel like shit all the time and I wish I didn’t.

My parents are actually getting split and I don’t even know.

I’m so confused that I just want to not remember things. Just to forget.

It isn’t ever that easy.