Entry #35– Defamiliarizing Sundays

So I’m sorry about yesterday’s post. I had a pretty fucking horrible day, and I’m having an even worse one now.

Some of it is kind of my fault.

I hadn’t posted in about two months until yesterday and things have happened but apart from that as usual mostly everything’s been the same with me, but I think I’ve gotten worse.

Let me explain…

Yesterday I went to a pub called The Olde Keg, and the week before we had gone too (just me and Luca) and we had LOADS of fun, and we ended up meeting Sammy and Matthew – but that’s a story to be told later on….

So anyway, this time Emma and Elena (two other friends) came with us, and we had 6 shots of vodka coke each and a beer afterwards, I was fine but Emma and Elena got really drunk so most of that night revolved around me and Luca taking care of them.

Then Luca got tipsy- so he had fun, then we went outside a gay bar and I endured everyone being all happy because this guy had abs and whatever, you know I just felt like shit, not because of the gay guy or whatever I just felt out of place. I got upset I guess.

I had another two beers and I got slightly tipsy after that. Then my friend Emma got pissed off at me because I told this guy that she got drunk off 6 shots and a beer and I also stubbed out her cigarette because I didn’t want her to smoke. I admit the telling that guy might have been an asshole move but I don’t fucking care.

Anyway she got mega pissed off at me because she was drunk and being an irrational bitch and yeah as usual I get all the shit because I’m some kind of fucking bullshit magnet. She’s done way bloody worse to me and I didn’t do anything horribly wrong, but anyway she messaged me afterwards telling me sorry and that she over exaggerating but I didn’t bother replying at that time because I was too depressed and angry to care.

So yes basically after that I went home and I had a shit night even though everyone else seemed to enjoy it, and I also was hoping to see Sammy at the pub again but the rest ran off to some place so I had to stay taking care of them and yeah be all selfless.

The past month I have shared nothing of myself and have been totally devoted to helping Luca because he’s been very bad and for his safety I’ve kept everything I’m feeling inside to myself as to not make him shoulder my feelings too, and I guess I just can’t fucking take it anymore. I refrained from telling the rest of my friends because I figured they didn’t really feel like hearing my usual bullshit.

So yeah I’m feeling like shit. I want to cry but I think after yesterday I can’t.

Anyway I went home feeling very bad, and this is the part where I blame myself because I should have known not to drink since Alcohol changes your mood especially depending on what you’re feeling like before and I was depressed so the alcohol (I didn’t drink too much at least) made me worse.

My birthday’s this Thursday and I don’t even fucking care.

So I went home and got the shaver I had found in a bag with new shavers at my grandparents and kept it, I didn’t know I was actually going to end up getting the knife and taking out the razors. I did. I should have known that I don’t keep promises I make to myself when I’m like this.

Anyway so whilst I was taking out the razors they cut my finger and it started bleeding and I found myself uncontrollably crying- not because it hurt which it didn’t since it was a minor cut compared to what I did later, I wiped my eyes and got blood on parts of my face and I cried non stop for 30 minutes whispering how I couldn’t do it anymore and how everything fucking hurt and no one heard me because my mum was asleep downstairs and my dad doesn’t hear anything when he’s sleeping too, my sister was out so I was all alone.

Then when I couldn’t cry anymore I looked at the razors and took off my pants, I found a high part of my thigh which I could hide (surprisingly I was being slightly rational) and I sliced my thigh, these razors were very sharp and strong so with one swift cut it opened up wide and I saw white for a second until it started bleeding, then I did it again and a couple more times until the bleeding got pretty bad. One of the cuts then stopped bleeding and just showed the white part, the other also stopped eventually and still looked like it had blood in it but it wasn’t coming out.

Then I though about doing it. I thought about killing myself and I really wanted to do it. I needed to do it, I wanted to do it so badly, but something held me back and it had nothing to do with me getting scared of it or fearing for my life, or what I could have lived though, I just put the razor down and ran to the bathroom where I got tissues and wiped the amount of blood still kind of coming out of my thigh. Quite a bit of it dropped on the floor, but I was dizzy and I wasn’t fully aware of what I had done and what I was doing.

Eventually I went back to my room and sat down on the chair, and I didn’t know what I was doing so I peed myself (yes I’m really fucking embarrassed about that) and I then just went back to cleaning the blood in the bathroom up, wiping the blood off the floor and some off of the carpet. I then kind of got back to my senses and got a towel (which I had stained with some of my blood and wiped all of the pee up) I stuffed it somewhere in my closet and washed the floor where I had peed and didn’t feel like dealing with the towel then so I left it in my closet. I cleaned myself up and my cuts which where stinging and extremely sensitive.

I wiped them up and noticed one of them stayed white, and the other looked like it had blood in it which it did. They’re still like that right now. Then I went to bed and wrote the post that I posted yesterday (well technically today since it was like 1AM) and I listened to my music and stopped writing.

I listened to the music on my phone and cried a bit more. My sister came home and I had to be very discreet. I then turned off my phone and fell asleep.

I tossed and turned all night and had a pretty bad dream. I dreamt about Sammy too.

I woke up at 9:00 since my mum woke me up to tell me to take a shower so she could do my hair. I rubbed my eyes and felt a big pain in my thigh as I tried to get up, which is when I remembered everything that happened last night to which I felt like shit. I went downstairs to see everyone in the Kitchen looking okay and I couldn’t really handle feeling so strange and so dissociated with them so I went upstairs to take a shower.

Before I did I replied to Emma’s message on whatsapp even though I really couldn’t care less whether she was pissed off or not, and I took a shower and to my horror saw my cuts. They had pieces of my trousers in them (they were quite deep) and they stung so fucking much when I had to use the soap. It’s not the first time I’ve cut this deep but I had been trying very hard to stop and I had been clean for 2 months (unless you count two weeks ago were I cut myself very minor on the thigh with a sharpener razor which I threw away. I know it counts but I thought I just relapsed and I felt like I honestly wouldn’t do it again.

Then last night happened and I did them deep and every time I move my leg it hurts so much and it’s a reminder. I put some surgical spirit on them which really fucking hurt and tried to take out some of the debris (the dust that accumulated in them since they’re open) so I’m very disappointed in myself. I’ve kept the razors. So I’m not sure what will happen next but I’m going to try not to anything else till they heal. I honestly can’t really think about what’s going to happen next right now. I’m just praying my mum doesn’t find out because she’ll get so disappointed and I’m scared she’ll give up on me.

I’m kind of worried that they’re going to get an infection so I bandaged them up with a tissue so that when they bleed again (which they do because it opens up a lot) at least it won’t be in contact with my trousers.

So now I’m feeling really shitty and I don’t feel like being around anyone but since I’m not an idiot I’m going to act okay in front of anyone or they’ll ask and they’ll know.

I have to lie to my psychologist too. Fucking great.

I’m such an idiot.

And I wrote about Sammy yesterday because I wished she was with me.

I’ll continue what I said about going to Keg the week before to the part where we met Sammy and Matthew. Basically Sammy’s in my class this year and she sits two seats down next to me next to Luca who became pretty close since he came out via facebook status. I’ve also kind of come out but unlike Luca I didn’t post a facebook status and I also didn’t go saying it to every living human organism at the school. My friend let it slip to some guy who spread the word so I got out-ed and I don’t know how I feel about it yet.

So yes Sammy knows I’m lesbian.

Anyway we met them at Keg and Luca went up to hug her and he was kind of tipsy so she was ranting about how she shouldn’t be drinking, and I wasn’t tipsy but I was reaaaally happy to see her and then I sat next to Luca and they were talking about this lesbian bar that had closed down and I said ‘it got closed down?!’

And for the first time she looked at me and nodded and I felt freaking happy that she acknowledged me and yes that makes me pathetic but wait it gets better. Then she introduced me to her best friend Elise and I was pretty surprised that she knew my name which made me happier.

Then I let Luca sit because he needed to sobering up and then Sammy said “Pip come sit down on my lap.” To which I was so fucking freaked out about but I did anyway, and It felt freaking amazing the fact that she literally was taking interest in me (not in that way, just as people you know) and then Luca got into some conversation with someone else to which I sat back down on the chair and me and Sammy spoke, for some reason she made me open up about some things, like how my parent’s took it when I told them I was gay in which she shared hers when she told them she was bi. Then she spoke about social anxiety to which I related to and she asked me if I had it to which I said yes because I did, and she gave me loads of advice.

Then we went to buy a drink and there were loads of people and she put her hand around me to keep me close to her and I think that was the best moment of all. Whilst at the bar she asked me why I had so many bands on my arm to which I hesitantly said that I did ‘things’ there, she understood and told me that if I EVER did it again or ever felt like that I should call her. She literally ingrained it in my mind that under any circumstances I should. She told me she thought I was adorable and you can Imagine how much I blushed.

Then I left to follow Luca because he was tipsy, and she hugged me before I left. I was really happy. Too happy really. and throughout the week she even stuck up for me when Luca just told this guy ‘You know about Pippa?’ and basically thought it was cool to randomly tell this guy that I was gay which I’m not as comfortable with randomly blurting out as he is. He asked my permission to tell him which obviously I had to say yes too, because when you say ‘You know about Pippa?’ then I can’t exactly keep it a fucking secret. I got really shy and uncomfortable and Sammy saw that and told Luca because she got really mad at him for doing that to which he kind of hates her again now.

I kind of love her for doing that.

Now don’t think I’m jumping the gun, I know everything she was doing was out of friendship and kindness, and that made me like her even more so yeah you can Imagine how shitty I feel about that. So that’s why I wanted Sammy right there, because I felt so lonely, and I really want to tell her but I don’t think i should anyway.

It’s progress though, before she barely acknowledged me and now we’re friends. A lot can happen right? I’m kind of looking forward to Thursday because I’m hoping she’ll tell me happy birthday, but I’m not going to get my hopes up or whatever.

So yeah I’m really miserable right now.

Ugh.

I think I’m done writing, just wanted to fill you in. I have homework to do. Ugh.

Bye

Entry #34- Holy Shit

I think this is the lowest I’ve ever been.

So things have happened.

Don’t feel like explaining.

I just went to paceville.

I feel like shit.

I fucking cut myself.

They’re deep.

I peed myself.

I’m so so so shit.

I’m not entirely sure what i’m saying, I’m not even tipsy anymore, I’m so fucking depressed everything fucking hurts, everything, I’m so fucking tired.

I can’t tell anyone, I can’t tell anyone anything. I can’t tell anyone what I did or they’ll tell my mum. I promised. I fucking promised. I bloody fucking suck.

I can’t even believe anything, I don’t fucking understand.

I want to fucking cry so much but I dried my tears out. I cried too much. I fucking cried too hard. I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON.

My head hurts and my heart is sinking.

I hate literally every piece of my existence. I hate it. What the hell is wrong with me?

I burned myself. I can see the white, in my cuts, they’re too deep. I can’t find myself caring. I can’t understand myself right now.

I want Sammy.

I want her so much.

So much.

I want her to hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok. But she has Matthew. AND I HAVE FUCKING NO ONE. BLOODY FUCKING FUCKIGN FUCKING FUCKING NO ONE. EVERYONE HAS SOMEONE AND I HAVE NO ONE.

I HATE EVERY SINGLE FUCKING PIECE OF IT. WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF WTF.

I feel like fucking crying my eyes out. I drank. I peed. I cut. I hurt. I am so so hurt. I take care of it all, I cleaned up the blood, but there’s a stain. My throat hurts. I think from all the crying..

Cheer up huh. Honey I hope you can.

I fucking can’t.

I fucking bloody shoddy can’t,

I’m useless and fucking stupid. Hoping for a girl that will never fucking like me. I can’t get the fuck over her. She likes me as a friend. I finally spoke to her by the way. I SAT ON HER LAP. NO JOKE.

I can’t stop thinking about her.

I want to tell her that I cut. She told me to tell her if I ever did it. I did it again.

I want to tell her because I can’t tell anyone else. THEY CARE TOO MUCH.

THE PAST THE PRESENT THE FUTURE. NONE OF IT MAKES FUCKING BLOODY FUCKIGN FUCKIGN SENSE.

I don’t know if she’d really want to know. I mean if I’m telling her and nobody else that’s just…..maybe too much. I don’t think I should. I hate every aspect of my life right now. I kind of hate my friends.

I’m so tired of them.

Even Luca.

EVERYTHING’S THE SAME.

EVERYTHING.

I WANT TO DO IT.

TO KILL MYSELF.

AHHHHHHHH.

IT HURTS MY HEAD.

I THINK IM GONNA SLEEP.

bye

Entry #33- Weird ._.

So, I know that last night’s post was….intense.

I was just feeling bad. Really bad.

Today I had to go to some kind of angel healing person, and I had to do this whole one hour session with her.

I have to admit…. I was mildly impressed, she did kind of make me feel calmer but that was probably the bunch of meditation fucking music playing in the back-ground and the whole lying down in the afternoon thing instead of rushing to private lessons.

I went out with my neighbour who tends to get annoying in fact she did get annoying but I just really needed to get out of the house so I didn’t mind.

I also went to my grandfathers birthday straight after and went on the roof and got tipsy and made jokes with some Indian accent, so my mum is probably thinking I’ve gotten better but it was the alcohol.

Alcohol is such an interesting piece of shit.

I’m still feeling the same and I’m also still feeling fucking weird and fucking fucking fucking.

Sorry that seems to sum up what’s going on in my mind.

Not fucking, you hopeless pervert, I mean my mind is currently a glorious head fuck right now.

And so is this Kings Of Leon Album I bought today which I am seriously happy about.

I love physical copies.

I love the band.

I love music.

‘DO YOU LIKE MUSIC?’

‘DO YOU LIKE BREATHING?’

I have probably seen that gif so many fucking times that I kind of hate Emma Roberts now.

Lol Joke.

She’s insanely hot.

I love how everyone keeps saying that I can’t tell if I’m lesbian right now but I clearly am.

LIKE DOES THIS POST DO YOU ENOUGH CONVINCING?

I think I’m kind of in love with Kira Knightley.

She’s so……good.

I’m talking out of lesbian interest, (which believe me-I’ve got.)

I mean she’s such a good actress, and her face is just vintage. I just really like her.

This is what happens when it’s 00:58 at night and I’m ranting like a fool, I suddenly get all emotional and forget my rule to shut the fuck up.

Technically I’m not saying anything, I’m writing it so what the hell.

I wish being a lesbian didn’t make me feel so…not feminine.

Which I am, but I don’t know the whole idea of liking girls make me feel like I’m some kind of asshole jerk ass face guy.

And I’m not.

I’m in such a weird mood right now.

My writing skills are superb.

I’m going to write like some posh arse twat.

That’s not posh.

Screw that idea.

I’m so inconsistent with everything. My life is inconsistent. Everything about me is inconsistent.

I felt ok at the dinner and now I just feel stupid again.

It’s like I have this massive bloody fear to be abandoned.

So angry, so angry all the time.

So deeply depressed.

How can someone my age be going through so much.

Everyday I feel like cutting my wrists.

I imagine blood spilling out of my hands and feel the emptiness and pain slip out of me.

My parents are getting divorced.

I am sad.

Woe is me.

(I’m imitating fucking losers who think it’s okay to act depressed for glorification of it and getting attention, by the way.)

My teeth still hurt.

I want to take 4 painkillers again.

They actually worked.

Yay.

I feel it’s a good time to show what tumblr has to offer.

(I love tumblr btw)

OMG WAIT.

IT’S KAYA SCODELARIO.

OH HI

YES I LOVE YOU ARE MY FAVORITE CELEBERITY PLEASE EAT ME.

AS IN MY CHEEKS.

NOT DOWN SOUTH.

I AM TOO YOUNG TO THINK OF SUCH ACTS.

SEXUAL ACTS.

Here another one

WAIT THATS LANA.

HI I LOVE YOU TOO.

YOU AREN’T MY FAVORITE KAYA STILL IS BUT YOU ARE STILL HOT.

AND HAVE AMAZING MUSIC.

I LOVE YOU.

Maybe an actual woe is me depressed gif will come up.

Only time will tell.

FINALLY.

Excuse me but I am deeply offended.

Stupid?

Stupid?

I’m joking by the way.

Bad jokes.

I don’t lie I do end up posting those gifs but I actually feel that way.

A lot of people post that for notes.

Yes I sound like a bitch.

Does it justify my actions.

No.

When does it ever justify my actions.

This the weirdest post ever.

CAW

Entry #32- False Hope and Fake People

Hey.

Yeah.

Wow.

I’m so confused.

Like I am in a bunch of pain right now. I can’t even write my novel (the one I was writing about the girl getting the scholarship etc.) I can’t.

Not emotional pain btw.

I just got my braces tightened and it fucking hurts. It feels like my mouth has just died inside of me. No seriously.

I’m just sitting here listening to Ultraviolence by Lana Del Rey, and the Disk is so colourful it makes me feel kind of whole in a way. I don’t know.

Apart from my teeth, gums and jaw in serious pain- I am quite confused.

I’m confused at everything that’s happening, it feels like everything’s changing but it also feels like every day is the same. It’s too complicated to explain.

I’m stuck in this constant replay and nothing is getting better.

I don’t know what the hell is going on with my parents, and I’m trying to stay out of it but they keep including me in it and I really just don’t want to be included in it. I just want to stay out of it.

I’m lonely.

I know I sound like some love struck teenager longing for some attention/company with nights so long ‘she has to fake the smile.’

Ew.

No.

I hate those fucking people.

Fucking annoying attention whores.

I just really am lonely and I wish I wouldn’t feel so lonely, because maybe I could go out without feeling like I’m going to get bored.

Maybe I could not feel like an idiot every second of my existence.

Maybe I wouldn’t need to say ‘SHUT UP’ in my head every time I think about something I’ve said, something I’ve done, or to just think about the future.

I’m so worried and scared and depressed and it has just become me.

It’s not just ‘getting depressed sometimes’ it’s become me. It is the core of me. Every bone in my body. It has become me.

I want to say that things have changed, that I’ve changed, that I’ve become a better person- that I’ve stopped repeating myself over and over again. That I’m not the same person I used to be.

But I still am.

I still like her, and I hate how I have to lie about it.

Because the truth is it’s NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. And I swear I whisper it every day, EVERY FUCKING DAY- that yes- she’s straight or bisexual or whatever – it can’t happen. 

I am the person that blends in, I am that person. I am not interesting. I am not some girl who fucking goes home and cries, I’ve always done that, before it became some stupid trend to be depressed or whatever.

I am different and I hate it.

I am not popular.

She is.

It’s fucking stupid- social statuses really, but it’s true someone like her can’t be with someone like me- how can she ever notice me if I never do anything about it.

This is life, people don’t notice you when you are insecure, being insecure isn’t ‘quirky’ or ‘cool’ it fucking sucks, because no one wants to be with someone insecure.

I can’t even control my own secret.

Apparently my mum’s told a lot of my family that I’m gay ages ago.

I have no say in my own fucking sexual orientation.

MY. SEXUAL. ORIENTATION.

I am so angry I can’t even control it anymore. I hate being angry. It sucks so much. It sucks it sucks it sucks!

She’s never going to like me.

And everyone fucking tells me that- AS IF I DONT FUCKING KNOW.

But I can’t just get over her.

It’s the most difficult thing to do. Just ‘get over’ someone. I can’t.

My problems are stupid and minor and miniscule but they’re my problems. MY. PROBLEMS.

And I just want to be with someone, I want to be good with someone, I want to be in a relationship with a girl. I want to feel that. I want to feel loved.

Am I asking for too much?

Do I have enough and I’m just being selfish and spoilt?

Is it too much to ask for? Because everyone seems to have someone in mind and I just can’t seem to do anything.

I can’t not feel bad.

I can’t not feel depressed.

I have tried everything.

Going out, looking for happiness within myself, not being negative, accept compliments, write, read, sing, dance, act, not look at depressing things, stay away from depressing people but that’s the problem- it never works – none of it. It’s not people around me. It’s me.

I am the problem.

I am what’s wrong.

And this is what I want to say.

To my mum, to my family, to my friends, not for pity- so they can understand because I can’t explain it, because I just can’t seem to say the right words, and I can barely right because it hurts.

It really fucking hurts.

Writing. Writing it does nothing though.

I’m typing my ass away on a website that no one sees and no one is going to see.
What does it matter?

What does anything I do matter?

When does it ever matter?

I am just a human being among all the rest, the 7 billion people on this planet. People around me are going through the same things and worse.

So, why should I be the one who gets help?

What’s so hard with my life that I can’t seem to pull myself together?

To not ‘get over it’ or to not ‘get over her’

The truth is, you are an island.

That’s the thing, eventually people are going to get tired of you, they’ll say they’re there for you and that they are here to talk to, but when they realize the chronic pain, and the constant never ending problems and whining all you are to them is a burden, and then the best thing is to shut up.

And not care.

Because they don’t. No one wants to hear depressing things. Not really.

It’s so true and when you realize that things are just so unreal it’s scary. It’s so scary because no one is really ever there.

Not until you find that right person.And who knows how long that will take?

It’s worth the wait.

That is what I keep on saying in my head.

That’s the one thing that isn’t keeping me from killing myself.

No exaggeration, no forced empathy. It’s the truth.

I just can’t keep on doing this, I can’t keep on going through the same things, I can’t accept myself and the way I am, I can’t keep on living a life that doesn’t seem to be well fit for me.

I can’t do this.

Honestly.

I can’t.

The only thing I do is fuck up.

The only thing I do is lie.

The only thing I do is be me.

And I hate me.

So much that I can’t even bare to look at it.

I can’t look at me. Or anything that represents me. I just can’t.

Why would she ever like me?

She has a boyfriend, she’s happy with him- and I’m just the girl she doesn’t know, that she doesn’t even acknowledge, and that’s not her fault. Not once have I ever made myself apparent.

She’s happy. And if I was in that situation I would hate the person that ruined that.
I am not going to be that person.

Seeing stories and tales and movies of all this bullshit of how things end up don’t work.
They just give you some type of hope that doesn’t exist. Really. That’s it. It’s fake hope. 

And that’s the worst thing ever, because these things just don’t happen. This is life, and life is a son of a bitch and we all know that, and life is fair- because it’s unfair to everybody, at the end of the day you fuck it up.

You fuck things up.

Not life.

Life is just something that’s given to you.

What you do with it, is ultimately your choice.

And this is mine.

Depressed,stupid,cliche,silly,naive,idiotic,anxious fucking me.

I have made myself this person, and now I have got to deal with the consequences.

Entry #31–What now?

Hi again.

So I took a couple of months break because I needed to focus on my exams.

Which I ended up doing shit in anyway.

Now it’s summer and it hasn’t been the worst.

I am going out.

Lots of clubbing.

Like yesterday.

Guess who I saw?

SAMMY.

AND HER BOYFRIEND WASN’T WITH HER.

They’re still going out, so it’s pointless.

I danced with two guys (she did look at me once, lol like she cared though) and when this third guy tried to kiss me I had to tell him I was gay and he said ‘Even Better.’

I obviously ran to the bathroom to escape this strange dude. God knows what he would have tried to do. I’m too sexy to resist.

#sarcasm

Did I just use a ‘#’?

Oh Jesus.

I’ve been pretty good though, I only have a couple of drinks and I’m always sober and taking care of my friends who do not have the amount of will power I have.

I still like Sammy, but since I don’t see her as much since we don’t have school it’s less painful. Everything is still the same. The only difference is I think I’ve gotten worse. The way I see it at least.

I’ve started buying packets of cigarettes and I’m smoking around one a day, but mind you – I’d probably smoke way more if I didn’t need to be so cautious about the smell of the smoke.

Recently I’ve also gotten to the point where I really just want to cut myself. I just want to do it. To fill up the emptiness inside and I know it sounds stupid but I just feel like I need to.

I don’t even want to talk about that.

I want to get better.

I’m going to a psychologist now.

I hate it but I guess I should go.

I just feel like shit all the time and I wish I didn’t.

My parents are actually getting split and I don’t even know.

I’m so confused that I just want to not remember things. Just to forget.

It isn’t ever that easy.

Entry #30- Oh Jesus

Oh my god. I think I can officially say I’m a fucking idiot.

 

Sorry I didn’t post yesterday – didn’t feel like.

 

Anyway back to my OMG moment.

 

What have I done?

 

AH.

 

I was looking up ways to get high, because – I don’t even know and I ended up taking 4 different types of pills, in all I took 13 people, and it barely gave me a kick although I was acting really goofy on skype so I guess I was a little high but now I’m so fucking tired and I drank a beer and I don’t even know.

 

Jesus.

 

Like.

 

Wow.

 

I need to go to a psychologist.

 

And get anti – depressants

 

Because I’m so fucked up.

 

So – so fucked up.

 

I can’t even begin to explain.  How fucked up I am.

 

Normal people go smoke week.

 

No wait normal people don’t get high.

 

But still.

 

Jesus, I’m an idiot.

 

And I want to do it again.

 

God I am such an idiot.

 

I need help.

 

Like seriously they is something horribly wrong with me and if I don’t find out what, I might end up doing something really stupid.

 

I’m just getting so tired of my life honestly, It’s so tiring, and so exhausting and so shitty even trying to be good for someone, to be good for my friends, my family – I just want to give up. Willow in my own shitiness because that’s all I am. Shit.

 

I just want to be gone.

 

I’m in a low state right now so excuse my depressiveness.

 

No matter how many fucking times I try to explain to my mum that I FEEL LIKE THIS AND IT’S NOT FUCKING BLOODY SHODDY HORMONES, she ignores me.

 

She doesn’t realise and I love her more than anything but I NEED HELP. I don’t want it, but I need it. I need so many things and maybe some of them I just want – BUT I NEED SOME THING AND THIS IS IT. JESUS.

 

I’m not proving a point by taking the pills – I don’t know why I did it, but nothing I do is some kind of cry for attention. I don’t do it that way. Anything but that really. But it sucks , It all really sucks.

 

I’m constantly liking people who will never like me back.

 

I’m so pathetic; we had casual day – and I wore my Nirvana top (I LOVE THAT BAND TO BITS) just for that girl Sammy, so she’d notice me. Because she likes them too.

 

She stared at me a couple of times but didn’t say anything. What the fuck was I expecting? So why did I get so pissed off at her? Maybe because I realised how out of my league she was, how It just wasn’t meant for me. How I should just stop liking people. JUST STOP. BECAUSE THEY AREN’T GOING TO LIKE YOU BACK.

 

Not till you start liking yourself I guess.

 

But I don’t/can’t understand why this happens. I just want to be better, but at the same time I don’t. I can’t understand, and it’s all so complex and confusing and my mind is blowing up into a million pieces waiting for someone to pick up the pieces but the only person who can do that is me. And I just try and try but it’s pointless. I am useless and a waste of space.

 

I feel that way.

 

I just can’t deal with knowing how long I have to wait for love to come along.

 

For that type of mutual love I share with someone. FOR A GIRLFRIEND, and I might be naive but it’s killing me inside thinking that no one will ever love me, and it’s not the biggest of my problems but as being gay it hurts more because of the possibilities of that shit happening at my age – clearly it doesn’t.

 

Sammy may be ‘bisexual’ (she might be doing it for attention, idk) but she has a boyfriend, and I have a nothing, and there’s no way in hell she’s even going to notice me. Even if she wasn’t dating him, why the fuck would she notice me, she hates one of my friends, we are literally from different social worlds.

 

It’s stupid I know. But this is how life works now. This is what bullshit society does.

 

You make it all insane.

 

Then it just leaves you to it’s own aftermaths and whilst you’re working it out, something big comes crashing in, and you’re back to square 1.

 

I’m back to square 1.

 

Never ending fucking cycle.

 

I can’t do this anymore, I’m so tired, of wishing for the same useless, hopeless things. I just want it to be simple.

 

So does everyone else – I know. But I just can’t wait anymore.

 

I’m still going to, though. What other option do I have?

 

I don’t know.

 

Bye

Entry #29– Annoyance to the Max

Hi.

I’m in a bad mood.

I feel uncompleted.

I don’t even know.

I’m going to try and expand on my post earlier.

I was talking about her and really it’s quite complicated. There’s something about her that just kind of draws me in, I don’t know what it is, it’s not because she’s bisexual or anything it’s just her I guess.

But with being gay comes the horrible disadvantage of the like of someone liking you back is basically 0.11111111%, especially with some people who say they’re bisexual (mostly girls) and really aren’t which gives a very bad look to us and the bisexual community.

I don’t really know if she’s actually bisexual – that’s up to her, but whatever. The point is, someone like her will never end up with someone like me.

1) She’s quite popular, I’m not that popular- in some ways I am, but not even as close as she is.

2) She has a boyfriend, that should already just be a reason on it’s own.

3) She’s pretty i.e way out of my league
.
I’d rather put myself down, then think of ways that it could happen between us, when really it just can’t. We’ve never actually had a conversation because I’m too much of a pussy.

And I need to deal with my own shit.

I have too much stupid stuff to deal with.

I’m so annoyed with everyone and everything and mostly myself. I feel like there’s something inside of me that’s missing, that’s empty and I can’t find a way to fill it in.

It’s so weird and strange and complicated that to even dare to try to explain it would be a dis- service to myself and to any reader (who ever reads this anyway which I bet is no one). It’s just the way I feel.

Then even worse is the pain. The undeniable excruciating mentally tiring pain that doesn’t go away, it keeps on nagging and just comes to the service when you least want it and expect it. My life in a nutshell ; sucks.

My mum still has this weird belief that it’s a phase, and nothing I do right now will make her not believe that, even if she insists she believes me, I can see from the tone of her voice that she’s pretty sure it’s a phase. And I’m pretty sure that it’s not.

I was working on my book again today. It’s doing okay I guess, nothing to special, I’m still writing the rough down on paper so it still needs to be worked on but until then it’s quite good – apart from all the writers block I get after writing a chapter. I hate writers block, it makes my life harder then it already is.

I just want to make a connection with someone really, and I can stay complaining my whiny ass all day about how much I want love and a connection but nothing will happen. I know all these things, I’m quite realistic, I just wished reality wasn’t such a hard slap in the face bitch, because that’s what it is. Reality sucks.

I hate this stupid world I live in sometimes, where everyone has a say in whatever the fuck you do. I’m so annoyed with everything and everyone now and I can’t even begin to explain how I’m just tired of everyone’s bullshit, I need something GOOD and exciting to happen in my life. And this is NOT it.

Far fucking from it.

Jesus it just gets boring, always doing the same thing till the cycle just breaks in the middle and we mend it up again but nothing is ever the same because everybody changes and I’m not making sense.

I get that people change.

But we’re in 10th grade. Stop fucking changing.

It’s enough your boobs look like they’re going to burst out of a sack, calm your tits. (Get it?) Actually that was so lame, and  I have no idea what I’m talking about.

I’m heading off to sleep, because I’m shit ass tired.

Bye <3