Entry #35– Defamiliarizing Sundays

So I’m sorry about yesterday’s post. I had a pretty fucking horrible day, and I’m having an even worse one now.

Some of it is kind of my fault.

I hadn’t posted in about two months until yesterday and things have happened but apart from that as usual mostly everything’s been the same with me, but I think I’ve gotten worse.

Let me explain…

Yesterday I went to a pub called The Olde Keg, and the week before we had gone too (just me and Luca) and we had LOADS of fun, and we ended up meeting Sammy and Matthew – but that’s a story to be told later on….

So anyway, this time Emma and Elena (two other friends) came with us, and we had 6 shots of vodka coke each and a beer afterwards, I was fine but Emma and Elena got really drunk so most of that night revolved around me and Luca taking care of them.

Then Luca got tipsy- so he had fun, then we went outside a gay bar and I endured everyone being all happy because this guy had abs and whatever, you know I just felt like shit, not because of the gay guy or whatever I just felt out of place. I got upset I guess.

I had another two beers and I got slightly tipsy after that. Then my friend Emma got pissed off at me because I told this guy that she got drunk off 6 shots and a beer and I also stubbed out her cigarette because I didn’t want her to smoke. I admit the telling that guy might have been an asshole move but I don’t fucking care.

Anyway she got mega pissed off at me because she was drunk and being an irrational bitch and yeah as usual I get all the shit because I’m some kind of fucking bullshit magnet. She’s done way bloody worse to me and I didn’t do anything horribly wrong, but anyway she messaged me afterwards telling me sorry and that she over exaggerating but I didn’t bother replying at that time because I was too depressed and angry to care.

So yes basically after that I went home and I had a shit night even though everyone else seemed to enjoy it, and I also was hoping to see Sammy at the pub again but the rest ran off to some place so I had to stay taking care of them and yeah be all selfless.

The past month I have shared nothing of myself and have been totally devoted to helping Luca because he’s been very bad and for his safety I’ve kept everything I’m feeling inside to myself as to not make him shoulder my feelings too, and I guess I just can’t fucking take it anymore. I refrained from telling the rest of my friends because I figured they didn’t really feel like hearing my usual bullshit.

So yeah I’m feeling like shit. I want to cry but I think after yesterday I can’t.

Anyway I went home feeling very bad, and this is the part where I blame myself because I should have known not to drink since Alcohol changes your mood especially depending on what you’re feeling like before and I was depressed so the alcohol (I didn’t drink too much at least) made me worse.

My birthday’s this Thursday and I don’t even fucking care.

So I went home and got the shaver I had found in a bag with new shavers at my grandparents and kept it, I didn’t know I was actually going to end up getting the knife and taking out the razors. I did. I should have known that I don’t keep promises I make to myself when I’m like this.

Anyway so whilst I was taking out the razors they cut my finger and it started bleeding and I found myself uncontrollably crying- not because it hurt which it didn’t since it was a minor cut compared to what I did later, I wiped my eyes and got blood on parts of my face and I cried non stop for 30 minutes whispering how I couldn’t do it anymore and how everything fucking hurt and no one heard me because my mum was asleep downstairs and my dad doesn’t hear anything when he’s sleeping too, my sister was out so I was all alone.

Then when I couldn’t cry anymore I looked at the razors and took off my pants, I found a high part of my thigh which I could hide (surprisingly I was being slightly rational) and I sliced my thigh, these razors were very sharp and strong so with one swift cut it opened up wide and I saw white for a second until it started bleeding, then I did it again and a couple more times until the bleeding got pretty bad. One of the cuts then stopped bleeding and just showed the white part, the other also stopped eventually and still looked like it had blood in it but it wasn’t coming out.

Then I though about doing it. I thought about killing myself and I really wanted to do it. I needed to do it, I wanted to do it so badly, but something held me back and it had nothing to do with me getting scared of it or fearing for my life, or what I could have lived though, I just put the razor down and ran to the bathroom where I got tissues and wiped the amount of blood still kind of coming out of my thigh. Quite a bit of it dropped on the floor, but I was dizzy and I wasn’t fully aware of what I had done and what I was doing.

Eventually I went back to my room and sat down on the chair, and I didn’t know what I was doing so I peed myself (yes I’m really fucking embarrassed about that) and I then just went back to cleaning the blood in the bathroom up, wiping the blood off the floor and some off of the carpet. I then kind of got back to my senses and got a towel (which I had stained with some of my blood and wiped all of the pee up) I stuffed it somewhere in my closet and washed the floor where I had peed and didn’t feel like dealing with the towel then so I left it in my closet. I cleaned myself up and my cuts which where stinging and extremely sensitive.

I wiped them up and noticed one of them stayed white, and the other looked like it had blood in it which it did. They’re still like that right now. Then I went to bed and wrote the post that I posted yesterday (well technically today since it was like 1AM) and I listened to my music and stopped writing.

I listened to the music on my phone and cried a bit more. My sister came home and I had to be very discreet. I then turned off my phone and fell asleep.

I tossed and turned all night and had a pretty bad dream. I dreamt about Sammy too.

I woke up at 9:00 since my mum woke me up to tell me to take a shower so she could do my hair. I rubbed my eyes and felt a big pain in my thigh as I tried to get up, which is when I remembered everything that happened last night to which I felt like shit. I went downstairs to see everyone in the Kitchen looking okay and I couldn’t really handle feeling so strange and so dissociated with them so I went upstairs to take a shower.

Before I did I replied to Emma’s message on whatsapp even though I really couldn’t care less whether she was pissed off or not, and I took a shower and to my horror saw my cuts. They had pieces of my trousers in them (they were quite deep) and they stung so fucking much when I had to use the soap. It’s not the first time I’ve cut this deep but I had been trying very hard to stop and I had been clean for 2 months (unless you count two weeks ago were I cut myself very minor on the thigh with a sharpener razor which I threw away. I know it counts but I thought I just relapsed and I felt like I honestly wouldn’t do it again.

Then last night happened and I did them deep and every time I move my leg it hurts so much and it’s a reminder. I put some surgical spirit on them which really fucking hurt and tried to take out some of the debris (the dust that accumulated in them since they’re open) so I’m very disappointed in myself. I’ve kept the razors. So I’m not sure what will happen next but I’m going to try not to anything else till they heal. I honestly can’t really think about what’s going to happen next right now. I’m just praying my mum doesn’t find out because she’ll get so disappointed and I’m scared she’ll give up on me.

I’m kind of worried that they’re going to get an infection so I bandaged them up with a tissue so that when they bleed again (which they do because it opens up a lot) at least it won’t be in contact with my trousers.

So now I’m feeling really shitty and I don’t feel like being around anyone but since I’m not an idiot I’m going to act okay in front of anyone or they’ll ask and they’ll know.

I have to lie to my psychologist too. Fucking great.

I’m such an idiot.

And I wrote about Sammy yesterday because I wished she was with me.

I’ll continue what I said about going to Keg the week before to the part where we met Sammy and Matthew. Basically Sammy’s in my class this year and she sits two seats down next to me next to Luca who became pretty close since he came out via facebook status. I’ve also kind of come out but unlike Luca I didn’t post a facebook status and I also didn’t go saying it to every living human organism at the school. My friend let it slip to some guy who spread the word so I got out-ed and I don’t know how I feel about it yet.

So yes Sammy knows I’m lesbian.

Anyway we met them at Keg and Luca went up to hug her and he was kind of tipsy so she was ranting about how she shouldn’t be drinking, and I wasn’t tipsy but I was reaaaally happy to see her and then I sat next to Luca and they were talking about this lesbian bar that had closed down and I said ‘it got closed down?!’

And for the first time she looked at me and nodded and I felt freaking happy that she acknowledged me and yes that makes me pathetic but wait it gets better. Then she introduced me to her best friend Elise and I was pretty surprised that she knew my name which made me happier.

Then I let Luca sit because he needed to sobering up and then Sammy said “Pip come sit down on my lap.” To which I was so fucking freaked out about but I did anyway, and It felt freaking amazing the fact that she literally was taking interest in me (not in that way, just as people you know) and then Luca got into some conversation with someone else to which I sat back down on the chair and me and Sammy spoke, for some reason she made me open up about some things, like how my parent’s took it when I told them I was gay in which she shared hers when she told them she was bi. Then she spoke about social anxiety to which I related to and she asked me if I had it to which I said yes because I did, and she gave me loads of advice.

Then we went to buy a drink and there were loads of people and she put her hand around me to keep me close to her and I think that was the best moment of all. Whilst at the bar she asked me why I had so many bands on my arm to which I hesitantly said that I did ‘things’ there, she understood and told me that if I EVER did it again or ever felt like that I should call her. She literally ingrained it in my mind that under any circumstances I should. She told me she thought I was adorable and you can Imagine how much I blushed.

Then I left to follow Luca because he was tipsy, and she hugged me before I left. I was really happy. Too happy really. and throughout the week she even stuck up for me when Luca just told this guy ‘You know about Pippa?’ and basically thought it was cool to randomly tell this guy that I was gay which I’m not as comfortable with randomly blurting out as he is. He asked my permission to tell him which obviously I had to say yes too, because when you say ‘You know about Pippa?’ then I can’t exactly keep it a fucking secret. I got really shy and uncomfortable and Sammy saw that and told Luca because she got really mad at him for doing that to which he kind of hates her again now.

I kind of love her for doing that.

Now don’t think I’m jumping the gun, I know everything she was doing was out of friendship and kindness, and that made me like her even more so yeah you can Imagine how shitty I feel about that. So that’s why I wanted Sammy right there, because I felt so lonely, and I really want to tell her but I don’t think i should anyway.

It’s progress though, before she barely acknowledged me and now we’re friends. A lot can happen right? I’m kind of looking forward to Thursday because I’m hoping she’ll tell me happy birthday, but I’m not going to get my hopes up or whatever.

So yeah I’m really miserable right now.

Ugh.

I think I’m done writing, just wanted to fill you in. I have homework to do. Ugh.

Bye