Entry #38– I hate liking people

Hey again,

Just came back from school.

Skipped Maths because it’s shoddy and shitty.

Watched Faking It and Awkward and OH MY JESUS I WANT MORE.

I’m not sup post to be on the computer blogging right now, but honestly I don’t really give a shit, so whatever, I’ll just go wash and study peacefully like the good student I am, because after all it’s not like I have exams in 2 weeks.

I passed my ECDL exam. Woop.

Such enthusiasm radiating from this very post, I can literally feel it.

Nothing that interesting happened at school today, nothing ever does really, Although just before I left school I saw my English teacher trying to reason out with Hannah one of my friends who has this big ass crush over this big ass guy called Matthew who has a really fucking hot girlfriend who moved to school a month ago and I guess I really like her.

She’s bisexual.

Just putting it out there.

Anyway. Hannah and Sammy are always fighting because Sammy and Matthew are really fucking protective over eachother but whatever, they’re both hot individuals so they both deserve to be with one another because they’re both so fucking happy, and they’re cute together I guess.

I want them to split but honestly I’ve been trying to stop liking her because, I want her to be happy, even if I don’t fucking know her, but life is so complicated because I think I’ve never liked someone as much as her. I don’t even know why. I got so pissed off, so so pissed off because in reality I’ve never actually spoken to her.

But I swear to god I catch her staring at me a lot in Chemistry and Jesus I don’t know why but I get so nervous around her and I’m not even half as swift and ‘cool’ as I sound on the blog in real life, I’m a nervous ass shit fucker who chokes up when they like someone, that’s me. Sorry for all the profanity.
I’m not a pervert or anything, I just really like her, and I feel drawn towards her and god knows why but I just really like her, and I can’t help it, but nothing can ever happen between us because in reality she probably doesn’t really notice me.

She follows me on tumblr and always reblogs my shit for some reason. Doesn’t mean she knows who I am though , I post a bunch of gay stuff sometimes on my tumblr but whatever.

When I had gone on a London trip with some of my friends a month ago, Irony of all Ironies they dared me to act lesbian so I did for the whole week and I made them all laugh and they were talking about it in front of her because she was sitting down in P.E (she’s not in my class , but I take P.E in their class because I dropped art, so every other week I see her in P.E but she never does anything in P.E because she has low blood pressure. I don’t know.)  and I was seriously shy and humiliated because she was looking at me whilst they had to tell the fucking teacher how I acted bloody lesbian for a week and everyone laughing and she’s just looking over so, whatever, I suck balls.

Not literally. Of course.

Still a virgin.

She isn’t. Apparently. She’s way out of my league, so there’s no point.

Whatever I’m saying right now, seems comical but I really do like her, and fuck all the comedy for one paragraph, I really do like her more than I’ve liked anyone else and she’s got quite an interesting character, and we’re both mentally fucked up (although I got kind of pissed off because she blurted out she had bi- polar in class and people who do that bug me, because I’m pretty sure she didn’t get that diagnosed, but maybe she does, I don’t know. I do. It sucks. I don’t want to talk about that.) and she does stare at me a lot, but that doesn’t mean anything.

I think she was talking about me to her boyfriend (who is my friend in a way I guess) in the line for the cafeteria because I heard him say, “She’s in what class with you?” and she said “Chemistry.” and I don’t know but I assumed she was talking about me because I’m the only one next to her who’s in Chemistry.
But she doesn’t like me in that way, she probably barely acknowledges me, she’s happy with her boyfriend, and I should go find some actual lesbians or bisexuals or whatever, but I can’t because I’m still 15 and not fucking old enough. My life sucks.

Right now, I’m just being all stupid and comical but if I’m having a shit day, I won’t be and some of these posts can be disturbingly depressing, so get ready for a shit storm.
But right now I just like making jokes about everything to cope even though it really fucking hurts.
I’ll explain later.

Bye.

For Now.

Entry #37 - It's 22:46, and I'm so obviously a rebel

Hey AGAIN,
Blogging on the same day. You should be proud.
It’s 22:46, and I’m sup post to be asleep, but I’m such a rebel so I stayed awake. Wow.
I’m really bored right now, wondering what to do. So I just decided to rant on a blog I commonly neglect but it doesn’t really matter, because no one sees it.

Personally when I was younger I really wanted people to see it, but I honestly don’t really care now – My posts are quite sloppy and ranty and boring so – I doubt anyone would want to see me willow in my own self pity of what I’ve become.
I make myself sound like a total twat, I’m really not that bad, I just think I am, because I honestly believe it.

I have been spiralling down a bottomless sink that will never ever, ever bring me back to the surface, I’m done for, and the one thing I wish for most is a girlfriend and that’s so fucking sad because I’m obviously not going to meet any lesbians in this fucking island I live on with close minded bigots.

Jesus I’m so tired of the people I’m surrounded by nowadays, they’re all so close minded and idiotic.
I want a girlfriend because I’m all soppy and loving, and want to be in love and as much as I hate to admit it, It’s the thing I want most right now, and to be happy – but that’s kind of out of the question for me.

I want a girlfriend because I really just want to be in love, I want to experience what I see everyone experiencing, and knowing I have to wait because I’m still 15 really pisses me off and makes me want to throw a brick at someone, because I really just want to be out there, not having to comment on how fucking sexy some big ass guy is when I really don’t give a fuck how hot he is unless he has a girlfriend.

I’m just tired of living this constant lie. I just want to be out of this bloody goddamned metaphoric closet. I’ve told my parents, and most of my friend but I’m still in the closet to the rest of my family and some of my friends, and I shouldn’t have to hide it, but I still have to, because I’m just one of those unfortunate people who gets dumped with bullshit all their life.

It’s not the worst thing ever – not having a girlfriend, but I really just want to experience my first time with a girl (not anything sexual – for now, I’m still 15) just being there or whatever and I can’t even get close to coming out because telling someone takes me literally 45 minutes because I keep spiralling on how to say it when all I have to say are two words. ‘I’m Gay.’

Tumblr is my man <3 I love tumblr. It’s the one blog I have actually kept in touch with, because I neglect everything after a while, but it’s not exactly a blog, it’s  a blog for pictures and stuff and gifs, and I also make gifs and I don’t even know what I’m saying.

I’m not at a low point right now. But I am tired. So I’m heading off to sleep.

Working on a piece of writing. Guess I should write the plot just incase.

It’s about an 18 year old girl, Jenna who gets a 3 year scholarship to go to a performing arts school in England (written out of the fucked up disappointment that this bitch got the one week scholarship and not me, and my parents obviously said it was my fault – as usual) and she has a boyfriend and all and they’re really cute (I made sure I made really cute scenes with them, I still love straight couples) but it all fucks up when no.1 girls are fucking bitchy there and no.2 she falls in love with this hot openly bisexual girl who she feels drawn to even though she’s straight.

I don’t want to define Jenna’s sexuality, I just want to emphasize that what she had with Jake was love but what she eventually ends up having (Jade is very fucked up, I love writing fucked up antagonistic people) with Jade (who I based on Effy Stonem from skins) is love in it’s purest form – not because she’s a girl, because she’s her soulmate or whatever and It has nothing to do with sexuality because you can’t control who you fall in love with- that’s the message I’m trying to put out there. Whatever – but I really hope I finish this, the book is better than the plot.

I’m seriously going to go now. Thanks for not reading my rant.

Bye

Entry #36–Jesus, It’s been a long time

Ok wow. It’s been long. Like, really long.

Like I skipped the whole 2013. 2013 is non, existent.

Hi again. I abandoned this thing and then got nostalgic and here I am…again? Typical me <3

Fuck knows if I’m actually going to keep this up. I don’t really know what I’m doing but a lot of things have changed. I have changed – and not for the better.

I mean in my old posts I was fairly normal – intelligent, and didn’t make stupid idiotic decisions… but not I’ve just become a big fat disappointment, and I don’t even know if I can say any less for the people I’m surrounded by.

Since last year I’ve made loads of new friends, and especially one friend – Luca and we’ve grown really close and I don’t feel like going into detail because it’s all so complicated now that I’m gay.

Gay? WHAT. YOU GAY?!

Yes. Fucking gay, gay for shit.

I can’t even understand how to explain this to you or whatever ‘you’ are but, yeah you get the drift or whatever, but I came to terms with it in December and I’m proud. Woot.

Parents found out, big fight, got over it (I’m being extremely brief here) Got depressed, told some of my friends, they were fine with it, in the process of telling other people, my sister’s fine with it, and now I’m ready for a girlfriend.

Which by the way – isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

I know it’s really complicated how all of the sudden I’m gay, but I’ve always been and Chase and I kind of broke up because of it, but I didn’t know and he didn’t know but I mean, not being sexually attracted to guys kind of gets in the way in a straight relationship. You know…

Whatever I don’t feel like going into detail. I’ve made out with a girl before, and It was fun and I’m so gay, like Jesus probably is ashamed of how gay I am especially for -----> Kaya Scodelario.

Jesus she’s so hot.

I like Jesus- but only when I use him as a noun in my expressions, probably a phase I’ll get out of – but until then – JESUS.

Anyway, I am depressed as fucking shit and suicidal and you have no idea how much I’ve changed since my posts a couple of years ago, got into self harm – smoking (when my mum doesn’t notice i steal her cigarettes) and uhm, nothing to rebellish honestly (I got really drunk 2 weeks ago but pshhhht, never again)

I’m not even joking,  I have gotten so bad that I just can’t even explain it. It’s kind of weird and stupid and awkward after how I used to be. Right now it’s really confusing but after a couple of posts I’ll fill in the huge fucking gap.

Luca is also gay. We’re family. You know, both LGBT, whatever. I’m gay. Bye.

For now.

Or forever.

Just hope it’s just for now.

PS : I know I’m talking about everything like it’s a joke, but I’ll get more serious in my posts, I just miss being innocent so I hide my screwed up mentality with jokes, which makes everything even more screwed up but, whatever.

Entry#35- What has happened in between?

 

Well as you noticed a lot has happened in between the last post, actually wait…You don’t know….But basically just to cut things short, My family is literally in shatters and I just might as well be in shatters too.

My parents are most probably agreeing on a seperation, my sister as usual is no where to be seen, and I’m stuck in the middle trying to figure out what in the world I’m going to do.

Chase and I have gone through a rough patch but have come out of it at least, but I don’t know how to tell him about it, because I don’t feel like I want to open up to literally anyone about it.

I’m a very secretive person, I keep things to myself, because why does any one else need to know anyway.

However in other words in 3-4 days time it will be my birthday as my birthday is on the 23rd October and I am finally reaching my teen ages.

Blogging actually does help me relieve what I feel I must say at this point in time, maybe to you or others, it just me moaning about my life, but I’m not because I’m not a very depressing person, I am lively, bubbly, peppy whatever, but everyone once in a while has to have a breaking point. It is after all the point of being human.

How relationships don’t work out is not my expertise, I’m still really a teen trying to find that way out. The next couple of years are expected to be hell for us teens, so that will be something that I’ll have to wait and see for. Until then, I’m going to replace my body parts

 

See Ya

 

XX ¬Philis

Entry#34- Tension + Braces= What The Hell O_o

Currently in the house I am living in, there is loads of tension, between my Dad and My Mum. Recently they have been going through a very rough patch together, and I’m not sure what the fuck is going on but I’m tired of their fights.

 

One’s thinking this, the other’s thinking that, they’re always so quiet, and I can sense the tension in my bones, and it is…unfortunately getting slightly too much to handle, the house is hollow and quiet, and no one ever utters a word, not when they’re in the same room anyway.

 

It’s also saddening, but it seems like they are trapped in a net, and it looks like there’s no escape to this hell-hole. I just want everything to calm down, I want so many things, but this is something I NEED them to do, it’s important, for their health as much as mine.

 

Really, I’m slightly depressed about it, so I think “positive”, and I shall have to change the subject, as I do not feel I should go into more detail about this serious issue, secretly I think it’s best that they separate, for both of them, not for me, it’s just sad to see them like that, in my opinion the marriage is screwed up and over, and it has been for a while too.

 

Anyway, today is the glorious day where I finally, travel on to the road of getting my teeth finally fixed, today at 3:00 PM…I’m…GETTING MY BRACES!!!!! I’ve been waiting for this day ever since I was 6 and now it’s finally happening and I can’t believe it myself.

 

Alas this week, will be another busy one, meaning my Blog Posts might be less frequent, so forgive me if I forget to post one day in this week .

 

By The way, yesterday’s party wasn’t all that fun, really since you’re surrounded by popular people, it’s pretty difficult, especially since you don’t want to make a fool of yourself in front of those bitches, but we still had lots of fun-ish, talking making rash comments about the b-pops (Bitchy Populars)

 

So basically I’m going to end the post here, I will post later on (along with a picture of my braces attached ) or tomorrow so see ya then  

 

~Philippa

Entry#33- Yay!!!

Today’s gonna be a preeeettty exciting day!!! Well for starters this morning, my mum and I had some quality time together shopping and doing loads of mother and daughter stuff, and we both really enjoyed it, the minute we walked out of that place our hands where full of shopping bags, sometimes she’s more like my older sister then my mum.

 

My Older Sister, is slagging off, clubbing till 5 o’clock in the morning, and I barely see her face. Whenever I try to speak to her, she snaps at me, and I decided, that I’m not going to be treated like a piece of dirt, if she wants to act like a whore she can act like one, but she either treats me like I’m her sister or else she can fuck off. She barely spends time with me, the only fucking person she spends time with is her boyfriend and her friends.

 

Maybe if she was 16 years old I’d understand she’d be going through some kind of phase, but she’s fucking 20 now, and she needs to start growing up if she wants to “go abroad and become famous.” Really it takes a 13 year old to notice that, but a 20 year old can’t, and she calls MY generation irresponsible, really it’s frustrating, I bet I’m far more mature then her.

 

Really I just am tired of silly moods, she’s acting truly like a bitch, and I don’t give a fuck about, an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, I’m not going to be be- littled, I’ll act like a bitch to her too, only if she pushes me.

 

When I was telling my mum earlier, she agreed and she said that she will talk to her, but she already did, and Becky just acted like she was listening, but she wasn’t because she’s acting like such a bitch right now, I could truly give a piece of my mind, that’s what My Mum told me to do, but then she’d retaliate and say I barely speak to her (which is because she rarely speaks to me) I won’t be bitched around, this morning she woke up in a good mood (for once) and she was like “hey phil” technically I’m usually a softy, but I was so pissed off at her, that I just replied a mumble, she asked Mum if there was something wrong with me. Yeah, Nothing’s wrong with me, just a little fucking hormonal, what about you? What the fuck did she expect me to say!?

 

When she’s in a good mood, she acts all naggy and that’s when I freak at her, and just walk out of the room, because I cant think of something to say. You would say that it’s just normal sisters fighting, but seriously, I’m at the end of the rope here, and she’s pushing me of slowly slowly, and once I fall, she's really going to have it.

 

The Ultimate bitchy-ness of it all is that I had my friend over yesterday and she was showing my friend her wonderful heels.. and anyway she was acting all sisterly with her, and my blood just started to boil. So she acts like an angel with my friends and then a bitch with me, that’s when I got ultimately pissed off at her, I’m tired of her, and I’ve given up, the best thing is I don’t even fucking talk to her, leave her with her boyfriend and she can go fuck off, the two of them can.

 

Sorry about that rant above, it’s just I really needed to blurt all of that out, but anyway, I have a party tonight (This year has so many flipping parties, well it is the dawn of the 13 year olds , this year is the best fun I’ve ever had, who can complain, parties all year) and I have a realllllyyyy awesome party clothing the best shoes that I’ve ever bought in my life, and the hair to match!!! I’m so excited, that I’m slowly turning into a teenager! I’m so glad that I’m slowly growing up!

 

For now I don’t miss being a kid, I just want to dance my ass of tonight, and then we’ll take off the next day tomorrow, if Chase was here right now, and was invited I bet, we’d dance our asses off, tonight’s gonna be fun.

 

Anyway will post later or tomorrow, will tell you about the party tomorrow though. See you soon!!

 

~Philippa  

Entry#32- I’m Completely Out Of My Mind

I really am, I can’t stop worrying about getting my braces on Tuesday, (forgot to tell you about that) I’m seriously nervous, and according to my Mum I won’t be able to speak properly, until I get the hang of it, I have a rehersal straight after my braces are installed and then I will never see those beautiful sugary drinks until Im 16 and I can take them off. It’s a long road but it is worth it, and I’m sure people have gone through far worse things, BUT I'm still freaking out. Slightly.

 

I might be over reacting, but all us girls do? Hey, besides that I guess nothing really is wrong, nothing I can complain about for now . Chase is feeling better, and is slowly starting to accept it better, I did manage to come up with something that helped him, so really everything has sorted it’ self out.

 

Today’s blog post won’t be very long (or interesting for that matter) as I have my best friend (the one who recently moved school) and her family coming over today, so really in half an hour or so, I’ll have to get off my butt, and start getting ready. At least everything is sorting itself out, but not everything, loads of things unfortunately, are yet to be solved, and I hope they will soon, because it is getting very exhausting, and I can’t deal with it as much as myself.

 

Basically that’s all that can come up into my little head today! So I’ll see you later on, or tomorrow.

 

Oh and Quickly just before I make my dramatic exit, I wanted to tell you guys, that I’ve finally started working on a book, that I had been planning roughly for ages, but I finally opened up office word 2010 and started typing all in which I knew about the character down. What do you guys think, I’ll be posting the plot of this book in the next post! So I’d like your opinions on it in the next post!

 

Have an amazing day everyone!

 

~Philippa