Entry#32- I’m Completely Out Of My Mind

I really am, I can’t stop worrying about getting my braces on Tuesday, (forgot to tell you about that) I’m seriously nervous, and according to my Mum I won’t be able to speak properly, until I get the hang of it, I have a rehersal straight after my braces are installed and then I will never see those beautiful sugary drinks until Im 16 and I can take them off. It’s a long road but it is worth it, and I’m sure people have gone through far worse things, BUT I'm still freaking out. Slightly.

 

I might be over reacting, but all us girls do? Hey, besides that I guess nothing really is wrong, nothing I can complain about for now . Chase is feeling better, and is slowly starting to accept it better, I did manage to come up with something that helped him, so really everything has sorted it’ self out.

 

Today’s blog post won’t be very long (or interesting for that matter) as I have my best friend (the one who recently moved school) and her family coming over today, so really in half an hour or so, I’ll have to get off my butt, and start getting ready. At least everything is sorting itself out, but not everything, loads of things unfortunately, are yet to be solved, and I hope they will soon, because it is getting very exhausting, and I can’t deal with it as much as myself.

 

Basically that’s all that can come up into my little head today! So I’ll see you later on, or tomorrow.

 

Oh and Quickly just before I make my dramatic exit, I wanted to tell you guys, that I’ve finally started working on a book, that I had been planning roughly for ages, but I finally opened up office word 2010 and started typing all in which I knew about the character down. What do you guys think, I’ll be posting the plot of this book in the next post! So I’d like your opinions on it in the next post!

 

Have an amazing day everyone!

 

~Philippa

Entry#31- Just To Keep You Updated.

Yeah, just to keep you updated, well not much has happened since this morning’s post (or should I say rant), probably because today is one of those glorious days when I have absolutely nothing to do.

 

For some strange reason, I actually am getting inspired to post more often, the problem was that I realised that no one was really reading my blog and I decided I’m not gonna stay posting to know one right?

 

I mean all bloggers have a problem with publicity, mainly because there are thousands of people in the worlds who have a blog, personal blog, whatever all that type of stuffz, and you know they all wish for some people to comment, or get hits whatever, but to stay active it helps to know people are actually reading what you’re typing.

 

Earlier today, I was speaking to Chase on skype and he seemed pretty down, and when I asked what happened, he reminded me that today was the day that his sister had died. So he was pretty emotional, and I got the feeling he didn’t feel like speaking much, and I understood that completely.

 

What I didn’t understand however, was how I was going to comfort him, I’m not the touchy feeling kind of person, I mean… I do get emotional, I am human but I don’t know how to express my feelings correctly, and it’s always been a problem with me, so I felt pretty guilty when I couldn’t say anything to him, I mean, the only feeling I know how to express well is anger and possibly depression, but really I just can’t express any other emotions correctly.

 

It might sound slightly psychotic, but what I’m trying to say here is that I can’t relate to someone else’s feelings. I could understand Chase’s sorrow and I could understand that it’s a very sad moment, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I just couldn’t get myself round to say anything,  besides “I’m Sorry”, we both need each other, and he needs to that I’ll be there for him (and vice versa) and I will but what if I can’t do anything? I could have said something today, but I don’t know what.

 

I’ve been wondering about it all day and I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s never dawned upon me that one day, if I want an intimate relationship with somebody, that I will need to relate to them and help them. I mean, I knew that, but how? Knowing and Doing are two completely different things and putting each one to work is difficult.

 

I just want to be there for Chase every way I can, because boyfriend or not, I do care about him a lot, and it hurts me to see him like that, he and his sister were close and to see her die was not easy, especially since it only happened recently about 1-2 years ago.

 

To lose a loved one, is a situation I have not yet experiences, and I do not want to experience it, but I will one day, for now though, I have no idea what it feels like and I cannot relate to him at all, and all I can say is “I’m Sorry” and that’s not consolation at all.

 

I feel the need to be there for him and to comfort him, but if I don’t know how, then how will I ever make any relationship ever work?

 

I hope all solves itself sooner, I hope it will stop hurting him slightly, but I don’t think it’s a feeling that ever goes away, I believe it to be a feeling that you eventually manage to control, but managing to do that, is a whole other story by itself.

 

~Philippa  

Entry#30- Rehersal Panic, Kids Nowadays and Wonderful Chase

Rehersal Panic! The Solo song I’m doing, is with a couple of kids who have no idea what the hell they’re doing, and are messing it up, and whenever I try to explain the dance moves to them they’re being arrogent and are saying that they want to go home.

Really I felt like killing them at that point. WHY THE FUCK WOULD THEY EVEN JOIN, THEY’RE LUCKY THEY EVEN HAVE SOLO’S, IF THEY WANT TO SPEND THEIR SUMMER FUCKING ABOUT THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE GODDAMN JOINED THE PRODUCTION.

Of course, the parents are slightly too enforcing, wanting their children to excel in everything, well sorry Mom, but they’re not. They’re fucking about and acting like it’s a joke, I felt like telling them, that if they want to take this as a career, this whole thing will be far worse.

We get in trouble because we’re not doing it well, when we are and they’re the ones day dreaming about barbie or what the fuck ever. This generation gets worse and worse, and if I could I’d bang their heads out with my lecture about respect. They have ultimately NO respect, and decided to fuck up not only the show, but my song?!

I don’t even know why kids are in this fucking show, I love kids usually, but this is all too much, fuck their mom’s “Oh yes, Martina is very talented, you should here her sing” More like you should here her fucking whine like some kind of demented whale. I know all parents really love to encourage their children, like when your child’s kind of an idiot and you tell her she’s smart, but that’s why they get big headed.

I mean don’t get me wrong, telling them, that they are doing well, is nothing wrong, but don’t flipping feed their already enlarged ego! My Mum is kinda what you’d call a “harsh” person, but she isn’t. She tells you the truth, literally she’d tell me if I wasn’t capable of doing this and that, and you know what, thanks to her, I’m better off thanks to HER.

So my message, is that I’m pissed off, and I’m ranting. If ya’ll got bored, I don’t blame you. On to some more stuffz, besides kids, too much kids on the brain, need to get my head out of there, it’s the weekend, relaxation time.

On that note, my last post was pretty intense and I’m sorry if it bored any of you out there, I’m not sure if you guys noticed, but I’ve changed a lot since the last time I posted, which was in december. I started realising things, that maybe I shouldn’t have realised. But I did anyway.

Im still that jolly person, but I’ve decided to become slightly more attentive to who I speak too, and what I say around them. I’ve learnt to be more positive, and according to Chase, all this change makes me “sexy”.

What I like about Chase, is that he really doesn’t give a crap about what people say about him, and that takes a lot of guts, to me, what people think about me, is important, I feel that I need to make at least slightly a good impression. However, I do wish that I could loosen up a bit.

But we all wish things, that we want to happen, and that’s only if we make them happen.

There’s something funny about Chase. What I’m trying to say is that, when I’m with Chase, I feel slightly more confident then I usually am, I feel I can do anything with Chase around me, like lets say there was, I dunno Justin Beiber infront of me, If Chase was next to me, I’d probably be able to tell him right to his face (Justin Beiber’s Face) that he sucks and I don’t like his music. Without Chase, I’m not sure If I could pluck up the courage to do that.

He makes me feel like I can do anything that I want to do, he makes me feel like I’m my own person and that if I want that to happen, it will happen, and that feeling is amazing. He’s always encouraging me to go out there, to be more sociable, and I do try, but it’s better when he’s with me.

That guy is truly magnificent, and I’m glad I found him, perhaps not at such an early age, but he still helped me with so much stuff that I felt I could never be helped with. So thank you Chase, and I’m glad to say that you’re my boyfriend.

Really I wasn’t planning to get a boyfriend, but I did have a crush on Chase (and his amazingly cute australian accent) mainly because he’s seriously good looking, I’d give him a 9 and a half out of 10, and I’m pretty tough to impress.

So far with him everything is like Candy, short and sweet and simple. And that’s the way I want it to stay.

~Philippa  

Entry#29- Busiest Summer Ever + What The FUCK is happening around me?!

It seriously is, I’ve never encountered a worse summer, I mean what the hell is going on , every second, I have a new task, and it’s killing, I barely have time for anything. I failed Maltese, consequence= maltese private lessons. Beach On Tuesdays, cancelled for summer, I cant go because of maltese private lessons. Rehersals, take up my night. Kittens,- actually they’re not a problem . But seriously I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna cope when School Starts.

 

Oh yeah, another thing I’m definetaly not looking forward too. My WORST subjects, maltese and German, I mean it’s too goddamn hard, my German teacher hates me (Bitch I never did a single thing to her ‘-.-) and now 9th Grade is much tougher, we’re seniors now (..wow..) and all the shit’s on us, especially now since we need to take past papers, for our GSCE.

 

I chose, Biology, Chemistry and Physics, because I want to take up forensics but mother of god, it looks tough, but I knew that, but I’m scared like shit. Oh yah, then the goddamn ugly popular bitches, that swarm are school. Then my Friends, it’s all to much sturring into one goddamn bowl, and I just might explode!

 

I’m not sure where I stand with my friends, I have 2 sets, and I’m not happy with either of them, I wish my old best friend was back at out school but she moved, I still see her every Friday but it’s still doesn’t cover. I used to hang around with a couple of friends called, ******e AND  ****n, (Im censoring because it’s not really appropiate to name them) Anyway, and they really have been leaving me out and acting like a pair of bitches, and I decided its time to fuck off.

 

When I joined these new group of friends, it was okay, but lately I’ve been missing my old ones, even after ******e was crying and saying she didn’t want to lose me, it was a pretty tough moment and I don’t know how I didn’t fall in the trap again.

 

Sometimes it’s just all to much, and I’m fucking scared, because I don’t know what’s going on in my life, and I’m trying to settle it down a bit, but it won’t do.

 

With My Parents fighting all the time, and with my Sister just not wanting to be anywhere around the house or with me (she’s having a mid life crisis for early adults…she’s always nagging me and I’m getting fucking annoyed) since she’s 20 now and she hasn’t learnt to grow up yet. Im just not sure where My Life Is and all I really want to do right now, is to get over and done with, with school, go live somewhere else, because I’m gonna explode, Im just fucking confused and I can’t understand what’s going to happen or what I want to happen.

 

I hope everything gets itself sorted out, because Im tired of shit now. My parents fights (they’re not arguments) are getting to much for me to handle, and I’m trying to sew there fucked up marriage together but I can’t, and I hope they’re not expecting me too especially since I’m on 13. I’m not sure what the fuck is going on, but it better stop, I’m not standing for this.

 

The Only Person who knows what it feels like is Chase, we've sorted that whole thing out that I was posting about today. It’s just hectic and it looks like there’s no ending to it.

 

See You Later Or Tomorrow.

 

~Philippa  

Hai

    Hey, I've been inactive (as usual), however you guys gotta understand that sometimes I just don't feel like posting, so I'm not making any promises, I might be inactive and I might not be inactive, for all who cares.

Today I felt like posting something weirdly mutual, I dunno, I'm not depressed or anything, but I can't say I'm happy either. Guess the feeling is mixed.

I'm kind of confused right now =P. I broke up with Sam a long time ago, and now I'm going out with another Sam (but I call him Chase, his surname) He's a really awesome boyfriend, and he does speak to me as much as he can, but like there's a but in every positive sentence, sometimes I'm just not sure.

I'm not sure where the relationship is going, but it's going somewhere, i'm not sure if it's good or bad. Hopefully Good. 

What I'm trying to say here is, that he respects me, and he will always respect me (well hey, hopefully from the looks of it) but for some reason it's like he's scared to say something wrong, because we have recently been going through a rough patch, and technically it's he fears me, he's very careful about what he says, and I do understand and respect that, but I'd like him to say whatever the hell comes to his mind. I want him to know that I say things that are bad, and I wouldn't know that they're bad until I say them but I still do , so why shouldn't he, I'm not going to over react, because In the end of it all there is no point in over reacting. 

That's basically what I've got to say, just in case he does stumble upon this though, I want you to understand that, I'd love him to say what he wants to say, it doesn't feel fake like that.

See ya, everyone I will blog sooner, because I just need something to inspire me, because really to be honest my head isn't always about blogging, I go on this site to occasionally blog, But I will make one promise.


I'll try to be more active. :)

See you everyone, just wanted you to know that Im starting 9th Grade. Pretty Excited, about the people, not the school, yah, definetaly not excited about that.

¬Philippa :)

Entry#28- Friend coming over

Yeah, I have a friend coming over today, so I WONT be able to blog a lot but I will take a picture of the two of us and post later if I have time okay :P
Sam is still in england, they’ve changed the flight day to friday…more waiting :’(
Anyway see you guys :P
~Philis xoxo

Entry#27- WOOHOOO!

HEY GUYS!
Sorry I didn’t post for 2 days was reaaally busy, Thursday had the day out with Sam (:D) and than when I came home, I had to study for the tests after xmas hols, and THAN the next day I had to go to the circus with my friend, Saturday I had to help mum with the Turkey and yesterday was Xmas.
ALSO! The blog is now FINALLY 1 Years Old!!! Woohooo!
So I got AWESOME XMAS PRESENTS:
Easel
LOADS OF ART SUPPLIES!
From Sam Anniversary:
Make Up Set
From Sam Xmas:
LOADS OF ART SUPPLIES
To Sam From Me Anniversary:
Oil Pastels
To Sam From Me XMAS:
PhotoShop CS5.1 Extended AND
New UNRELEASED game for his XBOX Kinekt thing.

:P
Lol I’ll speak to you later, Have a nice boxing day thing.
~Philis xoxo