Yeah, just to keep you updated, well not much has happened since this morning’s post (or should I say rant), probably because today is one of those glorious days when I have absolutely nothing to do.
For some strange reason, I actually am getting inspired to post more often, the problem was that I realised that no one was really reading my blog and I decided I’m not gonna stay posting to know one right?
I mean all bloggers have a problem with publicity, mainly because there are thousands of people in the worlds who have a blog, personal blog, whatever all that type of stuffz, and you know they all wish for some people to comment, or get hits whatever, but to stay active it helps to know people are actually reading what you’re typing.
Earlier today, I was speaking to Chase on skype and he seemed pretty down, and when I asked what happened, he reminded me that today was the day that his sister had died. So he was pretty emotional, and I got the feeling he didn’t feel like speaking much, and I understood that completely.
What I didn’t understand however, was how I was going to comfort him, I’m not the touchy feeling kind of person, I mean… I do get emotional, I am human but I don’t know how to express my feelings correctly, and it’s always been a problem with me, so I felt pretty guilty when I couldn’t say anything to him, I mean, the only feeling I know how to express well is anger and possibly depression, but really I just can’t express any other emotions correctly.
It might sound slightly psychotic, but what I’m trying to say here is that I can’t relate to someone else’s feelings. I could understand Chase’s sorrow and I could understand that it’s a very sad moment, but I didn’t know what to do about it. I just couldn’t get myself round to say anything, besides “I’m Sorry”, we both need each other, and he needs to that I’ll be there for him (and vice versa) and I will but what if I can’t do anything? I could have said something today, but I don’t know what.
I’ve been wondering about it all day and I can’t stop thinking about it, it’s never dawned upon me that one day, if I want an intimate relationship with somebody, that I will need to relate to them and help them. I mean, I knew that, but how? Knowing and Doing are two completely different things and putting each one to work is difficult.
I just want to be there for Chase every way I can, because boyfriend or not, I do care about him a lot, and it hurts me to see him like that, he and his sister were close and to see her die was not easy, especially since it only happened recently about 1-2 years ago.
To lose a loved one, is a situation I have not yet experiences, and I do not want to experience it, but I will one day, for now though, I have no idea what it feels like and I cannot relate to him at all, and all I can say is “I’m Sorry” and that’s not consolation at all.
I feel the need to be there for him and to comfort him, but if I don’t know how, then how will I ever make any relationship ever work?
I hope all solves itself sooner, I hope it will stop hurting him slightly, but I don’t think it’s a feeling that ever goes away, I believe it to be a feeling that you eventually manage to control, but managing to do that, is a whole other story by itself.
~Philippa 
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